FORCA

NOW I KNOW WHY THE BIRDS SING

2009-05-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

Well!!!! What do you say when you run out of adjectives, because thats how Im feeling right now. Awesome just doesnt cover the experience of skydiving...YES I DID IT!!!!!

The picture above was taken near the end of the free fall which was just amazing and didnt last long enough. Before I jumped I had imagined my stomach would be somewhere where my brain should be, however free falling like this at a rate of 10,000 miles per minute just didnt feel like falling its the only way I can put it, Ive felt worse on some funfair rides and can only say those 40 seconds passed far too quickly, it really was an unforgettable experience.

Prior to the actual jump from the plane I found myself suspended outside the airplane with my tandem instructor sat at the door with his legs over the edge ready to jump, this was the bit I dreaded but that wasnt too bad either, within seconds I was reeling of into space and another few seconds all had flattened out and we were in free fall.

The parachute opened and up we went, then the beautiful silence and the earth spread out below me in all its glory.

The Red Devil filming the jump apparently took off a little to early ( he was really cute so he's forgiven ) and instead of landing at the airfield we landed in some fields quite a bit away, meaning they sent a car out to pick us up. We also landed in a field of horses who had a look of wtf!!! thankfully they werent too startled by our arrival from the skies as we slid on our backsides toward them. The camera guy however landed in the next field, that contained a happy bunch of cows and non too happy bull, needless to say he didnt stay too long and got out of there as quickly as he could grab his parachute..This somehow added more fun to the day, which is the perfect way to describe it.

The Red Devils were a great bunch of guys and somehow you just knew you were in safe hands.

Cant wait to do it all again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if you ever get the chance then go for it!!!! unforgettable !!!!!

http://www.bmycharity.com/V2/warriorprogramme

Im leaving my page open for a little longer if anyone still wants to donate then the more the merrier

Forca

FALLING FOR THE WARRIORS

2009-04-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

On May 14th I will be falling from the skies, doing a tandem skydive with the Red Devils at Strathallen airfield. This is something Ive wanted to do for a long time but never plucked up the courage to actually go and book it. This jump was a christmas present from my children and given Patricks safe return from Afghanistan I thought it a good idea to make it extra special and raise some funds for a group I read about in a Sunday paper.

The article was about the work this organisation carries out, assisting ex forces personel recover a quality of life that slipped from them often as a result of post traumatic stress stemming from their experiences whilst serving in places like the Falklands, Gulf war, Iraq and Afghanstan.

I found the article reassuring as having listened to some of Patricks experiences I was seriously concerned as to how he could process these and the long term effects they could quite possibily have on him. The group deliver a short therapy course that works and enables men and women to come to terms and rebuild their lives for more information on their work click on this link

http://www.warriorprogramme.org.uk/

http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/1186219?UserKey=

Patricks commrades from 45 commando make it back home today, this local press report made interesting reading another surprised and pleased me as it would appear Scotland is leading the way with regard to the aftercare of the men and women who have to readjust to some semblance of normality on return from what I can only imagine to be hell on earth at times.

http://www.scotland.gov.uk/News/Releases/2009/04/23111222

So far Ive managed to raise a little over £500 in sponsorship and Im delighted but obviously would like to raise as much as possible. The monies will be split with another organisation called Honour our troops and here is the link for their group. This group is run by full time serving men and women who intend to hold a concert to honour the troops and raise funds for services charities.... http://troopsliveaid.ning.com/

Thanks for reading and if you would like to donate a little something it will be more than appreciated this is the link to my online charity fundraising page http://www.bmycharity.com/V2/main_V2.aspx?p=groupe

So love survives

2008-12-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

YOU TAKE MY LOVE TO TIMES I WILL NEVER KNOW AND PLACES I WILL NEVER SEE AND SO LOVE SURVIVES

Its been such a long time since Ive written on here and I imagine there is no need to write who and what is foremost in my mind these past weeks. Pat on his pass out day and what a day to remember that was, we were naturally so very proud of him and his achievement in gaining his green beret.

How hes grown in so many ways since that day, physically mentally and I believe spiritually,tending to show in his expression of who he is and in some sense always has been since a child. Thoughtful and caring, loyal, quietly determined prefering action to talk. He has tended to be the quieter one of my 3 sons, a self possession as I said previously that shows in his action as opposed to his talk, he always appeared to own himself in a sense.

He is serving in Afghanistan as I write this, safe and well thankfully, spoken with a deep sense of relief yet an equal sense of sadness at the loss of his commrades from 45 company in recent days. I have spoken with him and his sense of sadness is palpable, yet the courage and sense of commradeship so very strong. Its very humbling to listen to my youngest son speak so frankly and sensitively.

He will be away over christmas and his parcel is already posted, he is leaving at the beginning of January when his initial sign up period is up with the full backing of his buddies who he will be leaving behind. He intends to train for close protection work but first another travel to put space and give him time to process his experiences.

Ive kept this short so I can now go and send him an e.bluey, let him know how things are at home. I shant tell him of my daughters phone call to me in tears this morning having heard of the recent loss of young men from his company and not sure if Patrick was safe, those waits are harrowing to say the least and we are a thankful family tonight

Im saddened however when I think of those parents, brothers, sisters, wifes children etc who will be suffering deep grief at their loss, thats all I can do is sit with the sadness, feels so helpless and the war so pointless, the loss.

I realise this post may sound sombre but thats how it is right now until it passes, at a loss for words really

Hopefully you are all well and preparing for the festive season. My girls have decided this is going to be a very special one in honour of Patrick and his commrades serving all over the world, think its changed their sense of values and whats really important too.

Just got back from the Isle of Skye

2008-09-12T04:06:00.000-07:00

" Ive just got back from the Isle of Skye, Im no very big and Im awfy shy ",

Donald wheres your troosers..Andy Stewart.

I made my mind up this past year that I can either sit and do nothing just because Im on my own or get out there and explore just because Im on my own and I have time, also nobody to tend to or answer to.

I lived as much a part of my life in England as I have in Scotland, over the years hearing so much about the Western Isle each story ending " You must go there ", The full stop in the conversation until last week when I decided to continue the story on my own, for myself and with myself.

I spent 3 days on this beautiful part of earth and another 3 in Edinburgh just meanering through art galleries, museums, cathedrals and castles in the area. I also visited Rosslyn Chapel featured in the Da Vinci Code which I had read a couple of years ago..The masonary and stonework in this chapel is astounding as is the carving in the St Stephen Chapel in St Giles Cathedral in Edinburgh itself. So much to see, so much to do, steeped in the history of my own people. I had a wonderful time and leave you with a few pictures some of my favourites.

This monument is dedicated to the Commandos,set on a ridge overlooking a vast expanse of hillside and valley, of course I naturally thought of Patrick and all his commrades and their lives.

Fortunate enough to see a stag grazing at one of our pit stops and of course no trip would be complete without a picture of Hamish probabaly as famous as Mel Gibson himself, visited and admired by visitors the world over..Isnt he sweet.

To be continued.........

Some days are like that

2008-06-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

Just back from Huston on Monday, extremely jet lagged and feeling much like this little guy who had flaked out in the heat of San Antonio a mere 92 degrees.....Sometimes lifes like that you just got to give in and rest until the heat is off, then rise and carry on....

Aint he sweet !!!

FOR GLEDS HOUSE WARMING GIFT

2008-04-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

As you can see some blogs are just so readable with a large following....

All the very best in your new surroundings Gleds x Auds and tsuru

Shining Bright

2008-02-20T00:06:00.000-08:00

It doesnt seem that long ago I was doing the drive down the M6 to visit my daughter Laura at Warrington University...Its good to see how far she has gone already with her chosen career

During my visits I would often meet her friends and on a couple of occassions the young lady appearing on the youtube would be there, she was one of Laura's best friends for sometime. I recall she was auditioning for the x-factor and had won some music talent show, Laura still has the recording of the song she chose to sing that night.

A few years down the line and this attractive young lady has made it to the charts with the old motown 'Mercy'. Isnt it wonderful for her, hopefully she will keep her head and enjoy her career wherever it may take her

The importance of goodbye

2008-02-09T04:29:00.000-08:00

Ive been away a long time it feels, but now I feel as if Im coming home again.

A post on a dear friends site prompted me to write about this, I had not intended to but perhaps our stories are more important than we know.

My partner of seven years and I parted company shortly after my return from New York, but before I went and during my stay there I was already plagued with doubts as to his ability to commit to me or anyone else for that matter fully.

He was a warm, fun loving gentle man,a soft and loving aura about him, full of charisma and charm, qualities that used to both delight yet annoy me when he would abuse his gift with other women, harmless enough but at times disrespectful and something I would address with him. He was caring, with the benefit of hindsight I can see he cared a lot FOR me, but there were times he forgot to care about me and how his behaviour could hurt, very sutble but nothing like my ex who was all out aggressive. I could at the end of the day laugh with Alan about it and forget about it, but thats about who I am

I was aware of his tendency toward jealousy, his need to be the centre of attention, his need to have me around. He said all the right things using words like Us and we, times when I felt it was better to let go he would say "so are you just going to throw it all away.

Coming from a childhood that was troubling and confusing due to my fathers sexual abuse. I entered a marraige that was quite frankly frightening in my husbands need to control, and of course this was all behind closed doors. Next time round it was different with Alan showing me love and intamacy behind closed doors yet pushing me away in public, as I say it was all very subtle.

When I came back from New York my heart didnt need telling that he had been unfaithful, so I left..... a few weeks later it was confirmed by himself when I found out he had taken his new love abroad, something that wasnt meant to happen as he was still playing the" are you leaving me game". His justification " Well you didnt want me" I half expected a 'So what was I supposed to do' to follow on those words.

I have I suppose been holding my own post mortem on our relationship, he has gone into hiding, but non the less Ive let him know who I was in the relationship and that I loved him and all his quirky ways, but am hurt that he chose the cowards way out when so often I told him, if he wanted to end it, if it wasnt working for him then he would only have to say. No point in keeping each other prisoner for fear of hurting with goodbye, sadly he was not man enough to leave without a security blanket, a loving breast to suckle on so he can avoid the guilt and pain of what he has done to the good man in him

I have many happy memories, I have learned soooo much about who I am through Alan, simply because that gentle aura that allowed me to get close to and fully love a man, perhaps for the first time in my life and I have no regrets at all. I come away valuing my love, my ability to love under difficult circumstances, my loyalty, my sense of humour, my willingness to stay and give someone the benefit of the doubt because I love them but most my courage to leave when that doubt is removed beyond all doubt.

As I said to him I would rather carry this pain, in the knowledge that I will heal than carry that insidious guilt that knaws at the heart and soul that comes through the knowledge that youve hurt something good and innocent.

I have no doubt he will contact if this relationship falls apart, as he cant cope with being on his own. Hopefully he will also remember and appreciate that feeling of perhaps being real for the first time in his life with someone who refused to collude with his self deception. as I have the knowledge that this woman is in the position I gradually came to realise I was in when our relationship first began. Some men will always have their fix waiting and prepared before they leave a relationship, but you dont know until you know.

He was a tired man, but then keeping up delusions and self deception is tiring, I should know because part of me kept deluding myself in the hope that when he said " I thought you were the one, that he really meant it". Sadly as it turns out he wasnt the one for me..I too have choices

I also have many memories of good times and wont forget that I made them happen too because of the special person that I am. Perhaps we forget this in the midst of the pain and hurt and anger of letting go, but then we remember again.

kahil gibran

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals.

Now where is Africa again.:)

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and that you really do have worth And you learn and you learn with every goodbye you learn... ©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

UNLIKELY FRIENDS

2008-01-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

I came across this youtube as I was browsing for something else tonight, its touching and a lovely story. The cat and the crow, and that good old mothering instinct that in this case knew no boundaries. Inspiring.

WILD AND BEAUTIFUL

2008-01-07T00:55:00.000-08:00

I was quite blown away with this video...spectacular, pure and powerful The photographic work is simply amazing

The Ashes and Snow Project weaves together film, photographic works, art installations, and a novel in letters on the relationship between animals and people...art

HAPPY NEW YEAR X X

2008-01-04T14:47:00.001-08:00

glitter-graphics.com

The window opens on to a new year 2008 all but a bud, its petals forming and waiting to unfold,filling our lives with its soft,sweet scent. May its thorns be few and far between that we may with confidence and love, hold it gently and breathe deep its essence, to let our hearts swell with the memories of roses past and the promise of those yet to blossom.

glitter-graphics.com

That you my dear friends always find time to smell the roses in 2008
That you be blessed with much light,laughter and joy in 2008

Forca

I know Ive not been around much, but I have been with you all very much in spirit and popping up here and there. I had a lovely christmas with all my family coming home to celebrate together. I couldnt really ask for more. We took the plunge this year and dispensed with the commercialism opting for a secret santa instead of everyone buying far too many presents and spending far too much money, it felt amazingly good and no mountain of wrapping paper to dispense with at the end of the day...bliss.

I had to miss the actual christmas diner as I was working on christmas day, but that only made the christmas breakfast all the more special and I felt a real warmth inside knowing my children still wanted to gather together and in their mothers home. A couple of my close friends at work have experienced tragic loss of loved ones just days before christmas, there is a very real sense of sadness mingled with my gratitude for my own blessings.

The snow scene reminds me of my childhood and times I used to just sit by the window for hours watching the fresh snow fall and the music I found by chance. No snow as yet in my part of Scotland, but lots of rain. Oh what I would give to sit by a window, watching the snow fall, listening to this, with a lovely big fire roaring in the background of course ahhhhhhhhhh!!

Pleasing and peaceful days to you my friends

One year on

2007-12-10T12:54:00.001-08:00

Below is the first post I ever posted amost a year ago in Every now and Then,pre Forca days. Although in a sense Im still in the same place I was a year ago, much has happened and much has changed. Ive learned patience and not to react to the disappointment as 2007 draws to an end and Im still not legally a free woman. In a sense I feel like a woman waiting to give a decent burial to a marraige that ended well before I left, the ritual of marking and respectfully laying to rest something that I at one time put so much of myself into.

To be honest it saddens me to think of my soon to be ex opening his bill for his legal fees, because that perhaps will be the moment he realises that 8years of his life were also wasted hanging on and preventing closure just for that feeling of power and control. Its not what I would have chosen for either of us but equally not something I will be losing any sleep over.

So here I am still waiting to go to Africa,patiently enduring, yet so many things to be grateful for on the journey through 2007. Pat and I had our first serious adult conversation about his time in Iraq this weekend, both sharing our different experiences and I have to say it was tender to see Patrick moved by a mothers perspective. These are the moments in life that I know I will look back and remember as the years roll by regardless of what happens.

I remember the warmth of my blog friends who fed and nourished me whilst he was away and I was full of worry. Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote " Warmth is a mystery. It somehow heals and engenders us. It is the loosener of too tight things, it enhances flow, the mysterious urge to be, the maiden flight to fresh ideas. Whatever warmth is, it draws us closer, and closer yet. Friends who love you and have warmth for your creative life are the very best suns in the world.

Perhaps one year on the last paragraph answers the first question I wrote......I was drawn by the warmth, closer and closer yet..what more can one ask for on a cold December evening.

other than a little night music and a warm hearth. Forca to you all

How did I get here?
As I write Im wondering and trying to remember how I got here......The first blog I read that caught my attention and touched something deep inside that kept me coming back. That led to the others so varied that kept me coming back, then leaving a comment here and there.......would it matter...would they matter-my words. So many beautiful creations...so many wise words...so much diversity..so many gifting a glimpse of their personal lives, the art, the passion and at times the struggle, the simple sharing of words and images taking anothers time and effort..opening up a whole new perspective, new vision

Then the niggling feeling that somehow I was being greedy, sitting here being fed..nourished, my comfort zones being challenged, words that lingered........the feeling that this is taking me on a journey with no destination, the mystery, the exploration..........the big question.........What do I have to offer...If I reach inside myself...what can I bring?

Im a gypsy at heart...its in my blood..I love to wander/wonder and explore both pysical and mental........Every now and then my soul gets seized by this desire to take off........Driving home sometimes my automatic pilot turns the wheel to the left yet part of me has carried on travelling down that highway...I long to travel in reality........however being mother to seven children and raising them, seeing them through degrees, supporting them till they got set up and I could breathe that sigh Ahhh thats it!!! Now I can go, now I can make the preparations, the plans.. Now its my turn

There is so much I want to see, so many places I want to go...so many experiences I simply must experience...The african safari on horse back, sleeping under the stars, to be close to the wild....The orphanage I must visit.....the children, the smiles the stories, the challenge...the giving the recieving

I Had wondered what my blog could possibilly be about, its content...its purpose....Perhaps this is simply for me....to track a dream....accompany myself on that journey....keep me strong...committed...not to let every day life side track me as it can so easily do....

The journey begins, here... now...on this blog...first things first...must work out how to create and post and.....and...and ...wish me luck this is all so new....so exciting!!!

GET YOUR DANCING SHOES ON AND LET YOUR HAIR FALL

2007-11-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

COME FLY WITH ME...

I wish that you always find spring in the air and your step
That those little things in life that you truly love
Always find there way to your door, bringing their magic with them
That you trust and find there is no mountain you cant climb
But more that you forgive me for choosing such a song to play today
Yet I insist you kick off shoes and dance and sing anyway

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEWART....Forever young at heart.

Hope you have a wonderful day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANALIA

2007-11-19T14:56:00.001-08:00

Its gives me great pleasure to wish a very dear blog friend a very, very happy 40th birthday today

For Analia forever young at heart, beautiful in all ways

analiagermano.blogspot.com

And belated birthday kisses and hugs to Manuel

INDIGENOUS VIBES

2007-11-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

Patrick recieved this video from one of the girls he met whilst in South America. He's happy for me to share this part of his trip on my blog.

I recognise the birds and arent those children so sweet, such beautiful smiles and the shots of them in the trees etc are wonderful. Hope you enjoy watching this as much as I did. Patrick by the way is the one wearing the rather loud shirt that would scare any wild animal away...lol,the one who expects to find mosqitoes in the jungle...my nagging about malaria pills must have had an effect..lol

And for the football fans

More of New York to come

WONDERFUL TIME IN THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS

2007-11-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

Yes I made it there and back in one piece, didnt get lost in those massive airports and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of travelling on my own, great confidence builder.

I cant begin to tell you what a wonderful time Laura and I had in this amazing city, just loved every moment we were there..Im posting a few of the snap shots we took and guess what we did!!! The helicopter ride over the city was an experience I will never forget amongst others

I will be back with a full report but first an early night as I have the final hearing tommorrow and this trip, remembering it is just the tonic I need right now.

Love you all and missed you all..back soon xxx

This is what life is about, meeting people, exploring, experiencing, enjoying just every now and again something truly different....absolutely wonderful

Update **** Four hours in court this morning and yet another hearing in February. Im not too despondent as at least the judge made it clear that I had every right to walk down to his solicitors where the finances are held from the sale of the marital home and demand my half share. As it stands he is claiming Im not entitled but giving absolutely no evidence to back up why not!! Lots of big words,lots of sighs but at least I got a practice run and wont feel so nervous next time. oh well the following song says it all

And

AND MAYBE EVEN

.

Thats no way to say goodbye,Im sticking out for justice and standing by my true worth

FLYING HIGH

2007-11-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

A quicky and a blast from the past for Icarus before I go off on my big adventure.

Hope you all have a good weekend and keep well xx

What truly matters

2007-11-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

Aintneverscared asked me a question in her last comment on my last post, answering this question allows me to lay down here in black and white questions that I have been struggling with over these past eight years

There is negotiation, comprimise all in the name of moving forward...progress. I guess Ive seen my divorce in this sense and to a certain extent it contains a truth. So many times Ive struggled, asked myself why I just dont turn and walk away because if Im honest with myself this final step has little to do with money, although that at the end of the day is all the court will be concerned with..the who paid what, when and who didnt. I know I would manage at the end of the day without the settlement, It would mean more struggle to walk away..surrender, and I know Im made of the stuff it would take to get through all that.

For me its about fighting for the things I at a very personal level value, yet I argue with myself that I already own them, those values are mine, inside me,part of me, they cannot be bought, traded, borrowed or taken from me.

Being a full time mum throughout my marraige meant I was never going to be the breadwinner of the family, the provider..but who can put a price on a mother taking her children for night drives to the beach to show her children the magnificence of a full blood red moon shine in the sky and experience her childrens reaction and awe at the sight.

What price can one put on the mother who sat with her children and shared the setting of the late summer sun,who loved to hear the squeals of delight when her chidren were allowed to splash in the waves with their shoes still on at a time when she knew that they were hurt and confused and that was what they needed to do...shoes dry, hearts heal.

What price for the time, the sharing, the support emotionally when it was needed, for reminding them that thoughts are just thoughts, words said in anger and confusion are not written in blood, that things change, that children grow into themselves, that they are their own people, if someone tries to make them wear a coat that doesnt fit, they should cast it off and not contort themselves to try and make it fit....so much that money just cant buy and no court could ever put a price on. I dont need them to its priceless!!!!

I cant even say Im fighting for the priniple of the matter, when I know I could just as easily walk away..I dont even know if this is a fight more a stand, perhaps more a case of being able to look myself in the mirror and rejoice at what I find there and I refuse to walk away, turn and walk away as if it is of no importance...

I have nothing to prove to my children and likewise they owe me nothing, they have already gifted me so much. Perhaps my day in court is a celebration of that, a chance to say," I accept that today this is what the concern is, but dont ever think that being a breadwinner is all their is to family life, dont expect me to walk away and keep silence my heart for ever about the things that truly matter.

I will not enable my husband to think his way was the only way, that victory comes in pounds, shillings and pence and that his perception of power and how to exercise it was ever right, fruitful.

I want the honour of walking away with a big smile on my face and peace in my heart no matter what the division. To face him that day and remember what truly matters, to know where my treasure truly lies, to step out to a bright future walking toward those who care about me as I do them and leave the S..T where it belongs.

To know my values and qualities are the one thing his money just cant buy, no matter how much he profits. To sit in that room and let my inner beauty shine despite all his attempts to destroy it...to show him just how utterly powerless he was in reality.

To be grateful to Mother nature and all she has revealed and taught me down the years.

This may make no sense at all but it makes sense to me and thats all that matters too..lol

BLOGGING FOR PEACE

2007-11-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

Chief Seattle's
Speech to
All People

This is an English version by Ted Perry of the speech Chief Seattle gave in his native tongue. In 1854 this speech was given upon requests from the U.S government to take the land that Chief Seattle's people- the Suquamish and Duwamish tribes lived upon. It is not a direct translation, but inspired by and true to the spirit of the speech he gave.

"The President in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can you buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water how can you buy them?

"Every part of this earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every meadow, every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of my people.

"We know the sap which courses through the trees as we know the blood that courses through our veins. We are part of the earth and it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the juices in the meadow, the body heat of the pony, and man, all belong to the same family.

"The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not just water, but the blood of our ancestors. If we sell our land, you must remember that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tells of events and memories in the life of my people. The water's murmur is the voice of my father's father.

"The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give any brother.

"If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred, as a place where man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

"Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all the sons of the earth.

"This we know the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

"One thing we know our God is also your God. The earth is precious to him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its creator.

"Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalo are all slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what is it to say goodbye to the swift pony and the hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

"When the last Red Man has vanished with his wilderness, and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across the prairie, will these shores and forests still be here? Will there be any of the spirits of my people left?

"We love this earth as a newborn loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land for all children and love it, as God loves us all.

"As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. It is also precious to you. One thing we know there is only one God. No man, be he Red Man or White Man, can be apart. We are brothers after all."

Seeing the essential

2007-10-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

The little prince.

" What is essential is invisible to the eye " the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

" It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important"

" It is the time I have wasted for my rose " said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

" Men have forgotten this truth, " said the fox. " But you must not forget it. You become responsible , forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose....."

I am responsible for my rose, " the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

I loved reading this book, a simple story with quite a profound message its one I go back to every now and again, so that I am sure to remember.

Im feeling much more positive today, hopeful even, that from here on in its forward. Some will walk with dignity and self respect, others may have to be dragged, screaming but forward it is....

I had one of those aha moments last night and got that wonderful peaceful feeling that comes with enlightenment. There is no way back, no side stepping, no fudging the time has come!

Enough of that...Today my passport came through much to my relief. This trip came as a bit of a surprise to say the least, it was only when I looked for my passport that I opened it and realised it had just run out a month previous, so two weeks ago I sent for a new one......It came today...Phew!!!!!! Confirmation that this is meant to be perhaps.

Right now I know Im going to have a wonderful time in New York, my mind wont be focused on any divorce, I will be flying and free of that for 5 whole days, wasting time with my lovely diva of a daughter Laura.

Laura landed in L.A, coming through customs with Emma Bunton who has gone to join up with her fellow spice girls. One of the photographers decided to start taking pictures of Laura, for some reason unbeknown to her. Although looking at the youtube of her arrival, Im wondering if they mistook her for Emma, especially if she was wearing her sunglasses

Others followed his lead and apparently one of them was heard to ask amid all the glare and flashbulbs " Who is she?" . Laura said it was quite scary, I cant help but smile, poor darling and excuse me " Who is she " how dare they!!!!! She is my girl..lol

Such a fickle and fleeting thing... fame

BE A MAN ABOUT IT

2007-10-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

I have to admit Im in a bit of a flunk, Im finding it so difficult to write anything just now. I guess Im calling on my blog buddies to send some positive energies out into the universe although Im not sure if its me or my ex that needs them..I despair.

There was mirth and merriment in the air, Im heading for New York, Rita was heading for Cyprus to visit her best friend who lives over there and Simona and her boyfriend have booked a week in Barbados...sounds good, is good until their father decided that he would just call them as witnesses for the divorce. My solicitor asked me what did I think or have to say...Well nothing. I had thought this man was beyond dissapointing me or surprising me anymore, but no.

He in his wisdom has also decided to call Alan and Ritas boyfriend Darren. It would be laughable if it werent so pathetic and stressful for the younger ones. I think what he is hoping for is some crass combined version of the Gerry Springer and Jeremy Kyle show all rolled into one to take place in the court room

Emotional blackmail, clutching at straws are terms that have been used. The case may now be postponed again in order to allow the girls to go on their holiday but live with the stress of this in the background or it will go ahead meaning they will have to attend and change their plans.

Me Im hoping that no judge in the land would see the need for 2 children out of family of 7 be involved in financial aspects of their parents divorce and that it will go ahead without them..

In the meantime Im off to stick some pins in my voodoo dolls..Only kidding I feel he is so low, cowardly and panicking he is not even worth that amount of my energy

There!!!!! Sorry Im blabbing on about this again, but its good to get it down in black and white..I used to have a rule for myself either deal with it, dump it or delegate it but dont moan...I think Im just broke one of my own rules....lol

glitter-graphics.com

Dedicated to the man clutching to straws, perhaps he will find that all hes left holding at the end of all this. Who knows???

THE BIG APPLE

2007-10-22T03:51:00.000-07:00

Ive given up trying to fathom myself out I think..acceptance of the now seems to be the order of the day..felt as if Ive been living in the land of Limbo for some time and to be positive its much better than some other places Ive felt trapped in, so patience..a little more patience is all thats needed.

Im keeping my feet firmly on the ground as far as the final hearing going ahead on the 16th of November is concerned, not allowing myself to fly away with the notion that this time it will definitely be closure, and perhaps its seeping into all areas of my being when it need not. Its like the shadow in the distance that will either finally disintegrate or hang around for a while longer, what is it they say...Never fear the shadows it means there is a light shining nearby.

In the meantime my flight is booked for New York and even as I write this its feels as if its someone else Im writing about and not me which is ridiculous. When I tell myself it is me..I feel the excitement, the fear, the anticipation...It is ME!!!! Im flying on the 8th of November from Aberdeen to Amsterdam and on to New York city for 5 whole days. Back to work for one day and then.....Well hopefully no more waiting.

Manhatten in the fall, Central Park in all it colours, falling leaves, fresh crisp air and the Statue of Liberty...symbolic? Leading onward as nature does, to Paris in the spring with Alan (a city he would love to visit my surprise, my thankyou for his being him) a loyal friend, a good man, generous with his heart.

There, the shadow doesnt have the power to block the view nor obliterate the colour after all.

COOL FOR CATS

2007-10-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

These days its impossible to read a blog

Without running the risk of having my fingers bitten or recieving assistance from these big paws

As for reading a newspaper in peace....forget it the competition for attention is just too great.

Is anybody else watching The pride of Britain tonight. Inspirational and tear jerking, aren't they all wonderful and worthy of acknowledgement and recognition it makes such refreshing change from all the rubbish that can sometimes grace our television screens at times..Pass another tissue please.

Well done to all those special people who were honoured tonight

Do you recognise your blog Gleds, tsuru was quite captivated...lol

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISTP)

Your personality type is reserved, methodical, spirited, and intense.

Only about 6% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 8% of all men

You are Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

THRIVING BEYOND SURVIVING

2007-10-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

Between lack of internet connection when Im at work or my partners house, kittens pouncing on keyboards in order to chase the cursor, thats after pouncing unexpectedly on my leg and using it as a rope ladder in order to reach said computer and cursor.....I just adore my new addition :)

I would like to add to my last post I feel its just as important to acknowledge healing and recovery, a difficult and at times a daunting journey, but one worth fighting for and equally worth speaking about to give encouragement and hope to those who need it in order to say goodbye to the past

"I hold the key of power" he taunted, he knew her weakness, her wound.

Looking at the key in his hand, at him with sad eyes, a sadness of heart for one who appeared so weak and powerless before her.

She remembered the key, the rust that fell as she opened the door so many years ago, yet that was past, she knew this beyond a doubt. Held gently within her hand was a key she had found in that room.

She had explored there, examined, reassessed her place in this world and smiling she remembered the healing that took place within that space then, turning in peace, walked away with the key to her future.

A woman leaving that space holding the hand of the small child; merging into one as they walk through the door.

Edna St. Vincent Millay - Bluebeard

This door you might not open, and you did;
So enter now, and see for what slight thing
You are betrayed... Here is no treasure hid,
No cauldron, no clear crystal mirroring
The sought-for truth, no heads of women slain
For greed like yours, no writhings of distress,
But only what you see... Look yet again—
An empty room, cobwebbed and comfortless.
Yet this alone out of my life I kept
Unto myself, lest any know me quite;
And you did so profane me when you crept
Unto the threshold of this room to-night
That I must never more behold your face.
This now is yours. I seek another place.

"You keep it" She smiled,for she knew she had no need for it any longer

AFTER A WHILE

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...

©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

STOP THE ABUSE

2007-09-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday 1,OOO'S of bloggers around the world joined in BlogCatalog's Bloggers Against Abuse September 27th 2007. the outcome to be part of the largest group of bloggers to ever blog about an important cause, all on the same day.

Im a day late as I hadnt realised this had taken place until I visited by chance http://akelamalu.blogspot.com/ and read her very powerful post in relation to Abuse of children.

This is something I feel so strongly about that Ive decided that even a day late this is too important to ignore. I have chosen a passage from a book that I once found very helpful in understanding the full impact of childhood abuse on a childs psyche hope that the more this is spoken about and the impacts understood then perhaps children showing signs of any form of abuse will find adults willing to get involved and report their suspicions or support a child who may in fact turn to them for help as has happened with me.

Excerpt from Romancing the Shadow...written by Connie Zweig and Steve Wolf

With incest, a timeless taboo that lives in the collective body of humanity is broken. With incest, a household is cursed with a psychic affliction. With incest, a child's natural erotic warmth and authentic openness turn cold and hidden as shame, like the original fig leaf, covers over a naked vulnerability.

Although the act is sexual, some of its consequences are deeply spiritual. When a parent sexually violates the trust of a child, the youngs one's spiritual wholeness is violated. Betrayed, robbed of innocence by those who should be the protectors of her innocence, the child responds unexpectedly:with self blame. Because a child is dependent on the adult for its very life, the shadow makes a U turn, transforming the offending adult into a good parent and the victim into a bad child. In psychology, this internal act has come to be known as identification with the aggressor. The child's soul is so vulnerable that it must protect the parent as the wrongdoer, thereby taking on the blame. To her, she is not simply engaging in bad behaviour, she is badness itself. This is the root of intense feelings of shame and contamination that are epidemic among survivors of abuse, ingrained at the level of identity. And this is the root of their ongoing mistrust of others and their lack of faith in life itself..Finally, in this internalized parent, the family pattern is carried on.

If the family's religious orientation reinforces the offending parent's rule as divine law, then the childs obedience is sanctioned by higher powers. If the parent denies the behavioural reality, then the child is confronted with an untenable situation, a Faustian bargain: to deny his or her own bodily experience. At a soul level, this calls for the survivors sacrificial death; the surrender of identity, the loss of will, the end of reality testing.

Tragically experts estimate that today a shockingly high percentage of girls and boys are molested. As more and more adults have recalled episodes of childhood abuse in therapy, the validity of their memories has been called into question and dubbed " the false memory syndrome". For us, the actual reality of these incidents is less significant than the reality of the psyche: If a boy was not sexually molested but has felt a sense of intrusion, he may have been emotionally molested. Either way, his soul was voilated and cries out for healing. If he does not recieve it, he may identify with being a victim and, in turn, become a victimizer of the next generation,spreading the wound like a virus.

As the cycle of abuse recurs again and again, the child tells herself: "This is really happening", creating a character at the table. Another part of her responds, "It cant be happening" creating another character. Eventually her memory gives up, banishing the event and its attendant feelings into the shadow. It cannot retain the truth and allow her to survive. The defenses of repression, dissociation and denial are at work.

This is such a difficult and sensitive subject to talk about, imagine what its like for the child who lives with abuse in any shape or form. The very journey through healing traumatic, yet miraculously possible.

However a journey no child should have to undertake..one child being one too many

PAWS FOR THOUGHT

2007-09-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

On my return to work last Monday, I was greeted with the news that we are to get yet another change of manager. Our manager was replaced recently as the team dynamics were so bad, this was particulary saddening as he was such a genuinely good man, add the fact that he is one of the few managers with real empathy and years of experience of working as a mental health nurse on wards it is sad to see him treated like this.

One or two people within the team are the source of the problem and his replacement having a different approach has managed to stem the flow and change attitudes for the time being, however having had past experience with the manager who is to come soon and one of the sources of the problem now...its definitely time for me to go. I have a meeting next Thursday when hopefully a transfer of service can be arranged and I feel a lot more positive.

Back home, the kitten has been to the vet for its first inspection...she is definitely a she, however as the vet was examining her she let out a Oh!!Gosh!! It appears not only did I inherit a one eyed dog, I have now got a six clawed kitten.

I had thought her paws were rather large when I first saw her and thought she was just going to be a big cat when she grows...but no I have a cat with an extra claw on each of it rear paws and two extra claws on each of its front paws...they look weirdly human as if she has a thumb almost like holding a babies hand, she did give a long name for this but Ive forgotten it...doh!!!

This means when she suddenly pounces on me and climbs up my trouser leg I get scratched for all those extra claws she is furnished with....I mean just how unfair can life get...:)

The dog looks on in sheer disdain at all her antics but does occassionaly try and play with kitty....shes just not sure of how the game goes and kitty definitely comes out top cat each time...In fact at times the dog looks positively depressed by this sudden explosive influence on house and home.

I also have the opportunity of a break in Manhatten in the fall...God doesnt that sound romantic!!!!..My daughter works for a film company in London and staff can have the FREE use of the company apartment in Manhatten if they wish. My daughter will be working in Los Angeles at the end of October and has booked the apartment..so just got to save for the flight..got the time off work...so whooopeee!!! something to look forward to and break the drag of a wait until court.

Having said that watching the footage of the protests in Burma just now, which are so saddening and worrying it really puts a different perspective on my personal and work circumstances which are nothing in comparison

Introductions

2007-09-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

For one reason and another Ive not been making as much blogarounds, It seems like ages!!So much work around the home to catch up on, things I havent done due to lack of time, tiredness and general lack of motivation, however with two weeks annual leave it all seemed like a MUST DO rather than a choice, things had got to that stage....especially the garden.

Ive spent a couple of days weeding, thining beds out and mowing the lawn, got the blisters to prove it and the stiff back, but it was so worth it. Next came the bathroom which had been without floor covering after I flooded the bathroom following an attempt to clear the drain on my bath, that were taking ages to clear of water.

Silly me took the U bend thingy apart and broke the seal, hence the flood which came through the ceiling into the kitchen below...The man who came to do the repair said it could be our secret as I should not have done this apparently..Shhhhhhhhh ( red face ) I shall never make it to plumber status.

However I did manage to lay some rather nice flooring and paint the walls so its all spick and span in there again.

This has all been theraputic in part, its been a great way to deal with the news I got from my solicitor about ten days ago that the court case that was due to go ahead tommorrow has been delayed yet again until November the sixteenth. My husband apparently has a new solicitor and appealed for the delay which was granted.

My solicitor feels this could be favourable to me, the last time we met I found myself barely able to keep it together as Ive not spoken much about the circumstances that led me to leaving, its been eight years and Ive moved on, but speaking about it just seemed to bring it all back.

I think I was surprised that it still hurt so much and could still bring me down, so I started another blog...just to get it all out,stick my tongue out and go blah!!!!! to people who think bullying, manipulation and abdicating responsibility is a great way to build a lasting relationship.... I think Im past caring what happens, other than its all brought to a close in November.

I got home from a couple of days spent with my partner to recieve a belated birthday gift from my son.

This little fella is to replace a little kitten a friend had given me just prior to me leaving my marraige, that came with me through 3 moves and mysteriously disappeared when my husband manipulated me back to the marital home...thats a long story best forgotten.

Let me introduce tsuri..well thats for now until I can think of something else. He/She has the most beautiful markings and is so friendly...Until Honey gets used to a new presence its being kept in the puppy pen......Thankfully Alan is a big softy when it comes to animals so no chance of this little monkey doing a sudden dissappearing act.

I had hoped to pay my daughters in London a visit during this leave but I think that will have to wait for another time as Im back to work.....rather reluctantly I must add....on Monday.

Thought I would try this one out of interest, wonder if I show it to the judge he will take this as conclusive evidence, perhaps of my warped sense of humour if nothing else???

Your Ex is Narcissistic

Your ex thinks they're the most important person in the world and couldn't care less about anyone else.

Your ex definitely has a god complex.

People with narcissistic personality disorder want total power, lack empathy, and are very arrogant.

Sound at all familiar?

What's Wrong With Your Ex?

Callander

2007-09-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

Got back yesterday from a surprise get away from it all weekend. It was my birthday on Sunday and Alan had booked for us to stay here in a lovely spot by the river in Callander which is just a couple of hours drive from where I live. Its the first time I had been here and it turned out to be a lovely little town set on the edge of the http://www.lochlomond-trossachs.org/

The view from the bedroom window and views of the river running alongside

Strolling through the town on Saturday afternoon, we came across these young lads who set up and began to play blues/jazz, just loved their music and could have stayed there all day just listening, foot tapping I adore listening to music in the streets and according to some literature I saw at the hotel, they hold a jazz/folk festival on a yearly basis in Callander, we had just missed it by a week or so.

The rest of the day was spent driving in the hills and round lochs, listening to relaxing c.d's that Alan had brought along..
WISHING I HAD BROUGHT A TENT....Thoughts of singing ging gang gooly gooly goooly round the campfire, faces lit by the glow off a log fire, cooking sausages and beans...Mel Brookes style.. It surprised me just how many people were camping round the edges of Loch Earn..this campfire was still alight...nothing quite like the smell of wood burning in the open air, it makes me feel all nostalgic, autumn days and all that..

A stark reminder that sometimes,just sometimes it pays to slow down,when we step out of lifes fast lane, some forget to remember that. Luckily no young drivers were hurt whilst gathering pictures for this post...He passed us minutes before in a police car..Oh dear!!!

I really fell in love with Joni Mitchells version of Both Sides Now whilst driving round the Trossachs,brings back memories of driving alongside lush green forests,soaring hills and cool sparkling waters catching the last rays of sun... Alan may well just scream if he hears this version again or have I converted him I wonder????

,,,,

WHENEVER I FEEL BLUE, I START BREATHING AGAIN

2007-09-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

Never let it be said that Im being negative, oh no!!!! Im just moving clouds tonight, tommorrow I will try mountains

Work has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous, but chin up there is a cloud to every silver lining....sorry a silver lining in every cloud...I think???

For the past few weeks managers have been doing spot checks during our shifts at work to ensure we have our nose to the grindstone and working dilligently for every penny we get, so much reorganisation, so many new local policies and having to evidence what we do during our cancelled time with clients.

Most of this has come as a result of very poor team dynamics, caused by team members being focussed on others not so perfect work practice rather than looking at their own and moaning to management, choosing to ignore their own part in the whole sorry affair. Gosh this is a whine if ever I wrote one.

However the silver lining in the cloud is perhaps the fact that the moaners and complainers have brought attention to, not only their colleuges lack of perfection, but to their own too. In the meantime the core part of the team who steer clear of the drama are now struggling to keep motivated. Im one of them!!!

Furor has raised its ugly head amongst some as one of the worst culprits has been awarded the opportunity to do day release at college,paid for by the organisation, so he can gain a certificate and also ensure he wont leave as he was threatening to do so. War has been declared..However this guy I feel doesnt want advancement and further responsibility, he just gets a kick out of moaning and drama, its there in all aspects of his life, hes an OK guy but just loves to moan. Simple...no problem.

Im smiling as some are so red in the face with the injustice of it all, ignoring his reluctance to accept the course initially..He now has full time work, fitting in a college placement and 3,ooo word essays etc etc. He was complaining before, I dread to think what he will be like when the course actually begins to become an added extra that he hadnt counted on.. Well at least he was heard..lol

To add to the day I heard that my son was assaulted on Saturday night, unprovoked, and left with a broken jaw and some very sore looking cuts to his forehead requiring stiches, acquired when he landed face down on the pavement,having been hit.

Thankfully he is ok, other than concussion, and the possibility of an operation if needed on his jaw, he will find out on Friday.

What hit home was the fact that he didnt say anything, being my eldest and independant for many years now, he didnt feel the need to ring me and bother me with it...and somehow even as his mother that felt OK.

I did however go round and see him tonight, offering to bring chicken soup for his soul telling him I wasnt sure if it worked for broken jaws too, but hey!!!! worth a try. The police are apparently scanning cctv footage to try and identify his assailant.

Focussing on the here and now, life is too short to be making dramas out of crisis. Everything has its time and passes and I feel a little more confident given direction care in the community appears to be taking that its time for me to consider applying my skills in a more productive way, but what and where at this time...I DONT KNOW!!!

Finally is it just an old wives tale that says its good luck if a bird s**ts on your head, nothing should prevent you looking to the stars, well thats what I believe anyways..

RANT OVER.. CASE CLOSED

Eight random things about me

2007-08-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

Seems like ages ago I was tagged by GLEDWOOD2 finally got round to doing this one, but what to say????

1. I was born and raised in remote countryside in the North east of Scotland, although it was quite isolating in some ways in childhood, as an adult I appreciate its left me with a deep love of nature and with a need for green and open space and priveledged to have experience the freedom and safety that country living brought.

2. Im a woman, stating the obvious I know, but for me its something I value deeply. I loved each and every one of pregnancies and that first touch of baby skin, that first cry, that first look into my babies eyes.........stop!!! Ive gone all broody hen again...lol

3. I had my sixth baby at home, tough old bird lol, no gas and air, no pain relief, just me, my bath, my baby and the night...The midwife just made it with minutes to spare...peaceful and very memorable

4. I have always felt as if I missed out on my education, its always been a bug bear with me, and something I struggle with regarding the importance of it, having made it this far, but feel its never too late and would like to wear the black gown and cap one day,something about reaching my full potential.

5. Ive been to Germany, Rome,Paris,Dublin as a tourist and will visit Huston next year to visit my friend, but my dream is to go to Africa and experience the wild, visit a tribal village and work in an orphanage, I hope to fulfill this dream in 2008

6. I lived in England for over 20 years, two of my children were born in Scotland, five born in England, thankfully none of them are football fanatics, so no arguements about who has the best team...:)

7. I love dancing always a great pick me up :) I love music, I love rythmn. I joined a drumming group some years ago. I have an interest in native Indian tradition and can fully understand the power of drumming circles. Im interested in lots of alternative therapies, old traditions.....just love exploring.

8. I trained as a lay minister in the catholic church, after converting and became a special minister, church reader.. Although Im not too keen on organised religion, dogma etc this was a formative time for me as I met some wonderful people going through difficult times and quite simply they changed me..

I FACED MY FEAR OF HEIGHTS AND FLEW IN A GLIDER...STILL GET HIGH TODAY THINKING ABOUT IT.......WOW!!! THATS NINE AND FINALLY I BELIEVE RULES WERE MADE FOR BREAKING..LOL

Im meant to nominate eight others to do this..but dont know eight.. so if your reading this YOUR TAGGED.

You Are: 80% Dog, 20% Cat

You and dogs definitely have a lot in common.

You're both goofy, happy, and content with the small things in life.

However, you're definitely not as needy as the average dog. You need your down time occasionally.

Are You More Cat or Dog?

SCARLET IBIS OR COROCORA

2007-08-16T01:44:00.000-07:00

Scientific name: Eudocimus ruber
Dutch: Rode ibis
French: Ibis rouge
Portugese (Brazil): Guará
Spanish (Venezuela, Colombia): Corocoro colorado, Corocora
Surinamese: Flamingo!, Korokoro
Carib: Wala
Arowak: Kolokolo
Warao: Simoku
German: Roter Sichler, Roter Ibis

The scarlet ibis is a vivid scarlet bird (50 cm) with a curved bill. The sensitive bill is used to search for food, mainly small animals in the mud along the coast.
The scarlet ibises live in large groups and fly in V-formation from their roosts to their feeding grounds. They contrast splendidly with the normal green color of the landscape, the brown of the mud flats and the blue of the sky. The young are brown with a white rump and belly.
The ibises feed in shallow waters along the coast, in the mud flats and in the lagoons. As is known from the zoo, they have to eat a lot of shrimps to retain their color. They sleep in large groups in the mangrove trees along the coast, together with herons. In these trees they make their nest (a pile of sticks) and both parents take care of the young.
Arie Spaans and Ben de Jong (and Muriël Held) have been counting the numbers of breeding pairs for many years in Suriname and sometimes also in the surrounding countries. They acted for the foundation for the preservation of nature in Suriname (STINASU). The maximum number of breeding pairs in Suriname (35.000 in 1986) is a substantial part of the South American population of the scarlet ibis. But the species is highly migratory and the numbers for Suriname (and other places) fluctuate. The ibises breed in young mangroves and if not enough of these trees are found in Suriname, the birds fly away to breed on the coast of Colombia, Venezuela, Guyana, French Guiana or Brazil. In Trinidad they are protected as the the national bird of that island, but they did not breed there for the last 30 years.

ONE SUN, MANY CHILDREN

2007-08-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

BRAZIL - RIO

WAMORI INDIAN CHILD

IRAQ

Patrick arrived home tonight, animated, relaxed and happy. Before heading out to meet up with his friends, he handed me the camera we bought between us just prior to his tour of duty in Iraq.

I smiled as I held it in my hand, the sheen gone, the cover worn and a tad battered, well travelled in other words. He gave me the OK to share his pictures on my blog.

On the disk were pictures taken whilst in Iraq, very different landscape to that of South America, but it has its own beauty.

I love the sunsets and given its the same sun that shines on all of the children in these pictures, I struck by the vast difference in their lives and what the future holds in store for them, their tommorrows.

Im struck by the trust, the curiosity of the Iraqi children, their innocence, and continue to pray that adults with the power will strive to work for peaceful solutions, worldwide.

FANCY MEETING YOU HERE

2007-08-10T01:46:00.001-07:00

Love Is Only A Feeling
By The Darkness
Best Video Codes

Patrick managed to upload some pictures he had e.mailed to him. We often chat on instant messenger, it makes me smile as nine times out of ten he has been surrounded by the local children who apparently crowd round him in the internet cafe's and just stare as Patrick put it,much like his time spent in Iraq at times surrounded by the natural innocent curiousity of children though very different circumstances. I know Patrick enjoys these moments by the way he tells his stories... the warmth and laughter that comes from observing and interacting with them.

The people by his reports have made his stay memorable and made the many long bus journeys more bearable, one in particular was full of brazillians who had just won a big match over there that Patrick had gone and watched, delighted by the atmosphere.

The pictures include the bassist Frankie from the group the darkness , his brother owned the lodges where Patrick first stayed. The group has now split up, due apparently to bad sales of the last album and unfortunately, drug and mental health problems.

Im wondering where the location was for the shoot on this video, the scenery is astounding, it would be phenomenal to watch the sunrise and set in a place like this I should imagine. The other group photo was taken after a game of football on the beach.

Another is a picture of the Wamori indian village that they stayed in for a few days after cannoing up the Orinnoco. The birds remind me of flamenco's though Im not sure if that is what they are, but would I love to see these with my own eyes in flight int their natural habitat.

Its good to see Patrick look so fit, healthy and relaxed. I know from our conversations he has made many friends and exchanged many e.mail addresses on this trip, I also got the opportunity to speak on the telephone to Nicole who Patrick described as 'awesome', a local girl who took Patrick under her wing for a couple of days in St Elena, the conversation was brief but sweet non the less.

He arrives back in the UK, so much more he will have wanted to see, but a night out with his sisters in London awaits him and return to work the following week. He is unsure as to whether he will go to Norway for his winter training or be sent to Afghanistan, whichever he will have many wonderful memories to dip into now and again.

A grateful heart is a happy heart

2007-08-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

My post today is a simple tribute

In the true beauty of nature is the true nature of beauty

The words written above are not mine, they, I see as the blossom that was once a seed that grew and flowered. They come from a place called Time and a word, a special place Ive always seen as a garden, others who visited it may have their special name for this place that will be just as meaningful to them, as will its creator and author.

This is my tribute, my acknowledgement,my adieu,for I find it impossible to leave without a thankyou,a smile, to walk what some might call the road to Emmaus and not share what I found there in personal terms.

We blog, such a simple,small word isnt it, a little voice inside my head sometimes asks why, do you have one too I wonder. I remember someone I had a great respect and regard for saying to me " Audrey, accept that sometimes, just sometimes, there is beauty in mystery" "sometimes we need to simply accept, stop asking WHY " and smiling I think that this may well be one of those mysteries, so many reasons why, all valid, so whats to question.

As Ive already said when I stumbled across Time and a word it was for me like entering a garden,so many beautiful images capturing a moment in time, such variety and at times very evocative. The words accompanying them had within them a quality that made them more than words, they had that something that turns mere words into a voice that caught my attention and had me sitting silently in the shade for a while, happy to hear, absorbed, interested and a times challenging the who am I, what do I stand for, what do I believe. Time and a word became part of my inner journey too.

In the true beauty of nature is the true nature of beauty

For me at a very deep level everything I ever need to know is contained in this one statement, because for me she has been my best teacher, the wise one, the one who knows the secret to life and living in all its ups,downs, growing,shedding, sprouting, flowering,dark and light each with its own unique and special purpose.

As a child I spent so much time in her company, observing, listening, being educated in the ways of life and not merely caught up in the activities of daily living that make up our lives, for me she was always more than that. My parents fed my body as did the labours of so many others on this planet, but she also fed my soul as no other can and she was constant.

Times when I refused see or could not see but she was always there calling me back in so many ways. "come look and see again, lets talk you and I in the silence of the heart". She, in her ways always has time for me and every now and then I realise how little time I make for her as Ive grown older, the beauty that is hers and hers alone, that she gifts so freely.

She herself provided the antidote to the many nettle stings acquired through taking a risk to reach my goal, usually wild rasperries, a close up look at some small furry animal nestling in the long grass at times wandering aimlessly simply to escape pain or trouble, she providing the breathing space, the nourishment needed to go back and face it.

Lovingly stubborn she finds a way of reaching us, reminding us of her presence even in blogland where we attempt to give words to her ways, through pictures,words symbolism and metaphor but more through our personal experience and daily circumstances.

As I close the cover on Time and a word as if a book, I do so with the knowledge that as with many good books that reach in and speak to me and touch my heart... teach me something about myself and others I will no doubt go back and revisit, they do not fall silent in the heart and mind, those words that carry meaning in that place and time.

What we call the end is often the beginning, for the end is where we start from..T.S.Elliot.

In the true beauty of nature is the true nature of beauty

Listening to the words of Born Free reminds me that though the very nature of life involves caring,responsibility and commitment to working for the best possible, the struggle at times,its not easy to experience that born free ideal, doesnt seem possible,yet it is in those moments when the communion with mother nature allows me to lay it all down for a while, it becomes real, possible if only for a short time and its a beautiful moment to experience.

May we all find the true nature of beauty in our daily lives and appreciate those who remind us of its presence....Thankyou Stewart

STILL SMALL VOICE

2007-07-30T13:23:00.001-07:00

I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is
be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -
that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people
that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned -
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned -
that it's a lot easier
to react than it is to think.

I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned -
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something else to take its place.

I've learned -
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned -
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned -
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned -
that just because someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned _
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and
what a tragedy it would be
if they believed it.

I've learned -
that your family won't always
be there for you. It may seem funny,
but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned -
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned -
that it isn't always enough
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I've learned -
that no matter how bad
your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned -
that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides
even when I don't want to.

I've learned -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned -
that sometimes you have to put
the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't be so
eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned -
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned -
that no matter how you try to protect
your children, they will eventually get hurt
and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling
and staying in love.

I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

I've learned -
that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely
and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned -
that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -
that even when you think
you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned -
that writing, as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.

I've learned -
that the paradigm we live in
is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned -
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned -
that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

I've learned -
that although the word "love"
can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.

I've learned -
that it's hard to determine
where to draw the line
between being nice and
not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned -
that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

Author unknown

Ive learnt

Sometimes I need to believe
I have done all I can
given all Ive got and its
OK to walk away

That by practicing acceptance
even when its hard to accept
The struggle to free myself ceases
and serenity sits in the here and now
The OK moment
All may still be the same, but Ive changed

That I can survive
yet life itself is not just about survival
its about growth, movement, reaching out
blooming and shedding
honouring its rythmn of now to the fullest

To appreciate the abundance, the beauty
that nourishes
The grasp of my grandsons finger round mine
the unexpected hug that takes me by surprise
a smile unasked for, the ocean waves breaking on the shore
the light of the full moon against the dark skies, the flowers, the colour.
The I love you's, I care's, Im sorry's I've both said and listened to
The trust, the giving,the recieving, the sharing at times unspoken
that knows together we have the power to heal

Ive learnt to come to trust that still small voice inside of me

Song of the Seas

2007-07-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

To dear friends caught in the storm

Keeping track

2007-07-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

Patrick has been in touch a few times since his departure, at the moment he is on a 3 day ferry trip down the Amazon to a place called Belem. I have to admit Im a bit confused as I had thought he had already made it to there given he has undertaken an 18 hour bus trip and then an 11 hour bus trip a few days later. I havent been able to find a map that shows the smaller towns. The last place he was in was a small town called Manaus and prior to that a place called St Elena

I have managed however to find pictures of the places he will visit, below...Belem

From Belem to Recife

Apparently they call this the Venice of Brazil, I would love to see this for myself,its beautiful

Then onto Salvador-de-bahia

He really is enjoying every minute of his travel and would of course love to have more time as he feels there is so much more he would love to see. He is speaking of returning to Caracas with a view to buying a property and doing the tours himself.

I was surprised when he said he has just over a year to complete his four years initial sign up for the Marines and is giving serious consideration to doing this in the future. If he stays for over five years he will qualify for a bonus and feels this will give him enough time to consider the possibilities and build the contacts he would need

The owner of lodges where he initially stayed was a young scottish guy who took the plunge when he fell in love with the country and he and Patrick have exchanged e.mails and intend to keep in touch. Whatever his future plans Im sure Patrick needed this trip to put some distance between his experience of serving in trouble torn Iraq.

My thoughts and prayers are with the men out there now and with their families at home who live with the daily anxiety, longing for them to come home safely.

Every picture tells a story

2007-07-26T05:36:00.000-07:00

Oh dear its was either love unrequited or she fell off her bike and lost her icecream, no doubt Matty her boyfriend was there to ease her pain

WHICH CARD AM I

2007-07-26T02:08:00.001-07:00

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I paid a visit to Aintneverscared (smiling and big wave),whos post is on a tarot card test.

My friend and I used to love reading each others tarot, not that we were anything like expert at it, neither of us had any real knowledge other than the manual that came with her cards explaining their meaning and the significance of their placing in the layout.

It was always a fun exercise, filled with gasps of oooohs and ahhhhs and very often the readings were quite significant to our personal circumstances at the time and I often found a value in them in as much as some of the cards and the powers and qualities they symbolized would get me thinking about things in a different way or confirm for me that I appeared to be on the right track.

My card today is the Wheel of fortune, and yes this seems apt, for despite the struggles and pitfalls over the years the wheel always turns as my situation and circumstances always turned, to varying degrees.

With the benefit of hindsight, many of the situations that first appeared so overwhelming initially actually turned out to be very positive and have given me a sense of security and stability although at the time I didnt see this but somehow it came to be.

Another test I took is this personality test..lol all this appeals to my analytical side and the explorer in me

ARTISAN

www.advisorteam.org

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow never comes.

Artisans make up between 15 to 20 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

Hmmmmmmmmmm Very interesting my dear Watson,but besides all of this I HAVE FINALLY LEARNT HOW TO MAKE A LINK ON POSTS...........YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!WHOOOOOHOOOOOO!!......Well at least I think I have :)

Important update....Arghhhhhhhhh!!! back to Blogger for Dummies, the links dont work :(

Sound advice from a loving father

2007-07-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

Looking forward

2007-07-23T08:28:00.001-07:00

My life has reached a very definite crossroads I feel, a time of gathering and examination to see whats in this package called Audrey.

Apart from the trip to Africa, for a long time now Ive felt a dissatisfaction with my work, I think this maybe a result of the recovery based courses Ive attended, they have always left me feeling there is so much more we could be offering the people we support and much of the work I find myself doing today is so bogged down with paperwork and red tape that it makes me want to scream.

I see the expressions on the faces of the people I support as I approach them with yet another peice of paper, another policy, another form to sign that has really nothing to do with supporting and enabling them to discover or experiment with ways of using the skills and talents they possess to enhance their quality of life. In fact the particular service I work in at the moment is so bogged down with problems within the team and the dynamics of the team that its come to feel that its all about us and not the people we are paid to support.

Our organisation is charity based and undergoing changes within its structure in order to save money. Changes have already been made to upper management and our area manager is now based down in Glasgow, locality managers and service managers are next in line for the big heave ho!! The organisations aim for 2008 is apparently to make a five million pound profit!!! doh!!!! Whilst I love working with the people who need support this organisation no longer feels right for me, its values and ethics just dont fit and sit easy with me anymore.

A new diploma course I had first heard about during the last recovery conference I attended has been approved and is set to run at a university about an hours drive away from where I live..Im soooooooooooo tempted, but wonder if the diploma will be recognised by health boards and other agencies as recovery as a working model is so new. The other option Im considering is returning nursing and doing a degree in that which could possibily take less time as I had passed a two year nursing course way back in the days when bell bottoms and afro hair do's were all the rage.

But first things first, the trip, a little time to think things through, who knows I may discover some hidden, dormant talent or skill whilst Im out in the bush...Lion tamer, rodeo girl, zulu warrior, whatever as Mama Cass Elliot says I need to make my own kinda music, sing my own special song, whatever that may be???

There isnt a mountain too high

2007-07-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

The day I waited for has come and gone and it was OK. I arrived at court hoping the first person I would see would be my solicitor, unfortunately it had to be my husband, we politely exchanged good mornings, he sat down and within minutes launched into taunting and goading, I took my leave and waited upstairs until my solicitor came.

An hour later having sat through other cases, we were told to wait outside for a hearing in the family court, again he took the opportunity to try a little intimidation, this time in front of some poor unsuspecting gentleman who didnt know where to look. I said nothing and went and found my solicitor to request he find me somewhere else to wait, which he did and waited with me.

When the time came it was over in a minute, a date was set for the 20th of September and that should hopefully be it.

I had forgotten what it was like to be treated like this and was quite surprised at my inability to stop shaking and annoyed that his behaviour can still have this affect on me.

It got me thinking later on, how on earth did I cope all those years, which led me to thinking about my faith, which seems dissappated in some sense, but realise it feels like that only because I no longer attend church and in some sense miss the positive involvement I had all those years ago, visiting the sick and housebound and being a special minister.

I was fortunate as at the time we had quite a radical priest who managed to make going to church and all other related activities a happy, fun filled experience, and Im sure this got me through and gave my life a sense of some balance.

The following posts I found on Youtube made me smile. Whoopie Goldberg here I come!! I just adore all that positive energy she exudes in this song...Oh Yeah!!!

Many rivers to cross

2007-07-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

Ive been interested in Native American culture for some years,I loved reading about their traditions and customs and have been fortunate enough in the past to attend an evening in the presence of a Native American who came a small village nearby and gave talks, demonstrations on how to make a medicine bag and even ran a sweat lodge. His name was William two feathers of the souix clan and he himself was a medicine man and had undergone the sundance, he showed us the scars on either side of his breast.

Not only was he extremely handsome in his native clothing and his long dark hair, but he also had a lovely aura, very gentle and so warm, I fell in love as did my friends who went with me to the event. On second thoughts make that I fell in lust ( more appropriate wording )

Earlier during some training for voluntary work in mental health I enjoyed the experience of the use of art therapy as a tool for exploration of thought, feelings etc and at the end of the session we would have a guided visualisation using a book called The Quest which worked using the same principals as that of a young indian entering into manhood and undertaking his personal quest or journey.

During one of these visualisations I remember imagining myself as a young indian child sat on a hillside, with my horse and rabbits playing around me, the animals possess qualities that are relevant i.e. the rabbit is symbolic of intuition.

What really struck me though at the time was this awareness that I was looking down toward a river and on the other side of this river was a big tent ( tepee). I experienced this strong feeling that inside this tepee sat an old man, the keeper of wisdom and he was waiting for me to cross the river, but something in me was saying 'its not time yet'.

Ive never forgotten it and its often come back to mind and I feel that same calling.

I think its time!!! I feel strengthened and calmed by this image tonight, a bit emotional if Im honest...Tommorrow after 8 years of waiting is the first date of court proceedings regarding my divorce and settlement. The wise man waits, and I must cross the river, and sit with the wise man in trust.

Long shorts or short longs; You decide

2007-07-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

Such a busy day in Grandma's garden.

This was the first time I had seen Cormac walk, he didnt sit down all day those little legs were quite weary by the time it came to say goodnight.

Did everyone hear Rita's offer to do my garden for me...YES!!!LOL

Dancing in the kitchen

2007-07-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

No time for a proper post today so I will leave you with this blast from the past that always and I mean always gets me dancing no matter what...Thats why I ran out of time to post :)

So far away, and just loving it

2007-07-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

hello mama, just come back from the orinoco delta, been living with the waroai native indians in the jungle, and kayaking about, i was with the bassist from the band the darkness called frankee, it was awesome saw a massive jaguar swimming across a river and loads of monkeys and birds. am off to brazil soon but i might nip into guyana on my way south meant to a strange country no one visits. got like 4000 miles to do to get to rio but its goin to be good, i take a 3 day ferry down the amazon then get sand buggy´s from belem to recife

Patrick sent a message today, I almost wish I were with him it all sounds so adventurous and as he himself says awesome to see animals like Jaguars in their natural environment.

Living with native Indians in the jungle..what an experience.I cant wait to hear all about it when he comes home, and Im praying he got a shot of that Jaguar swimming across the river.

However will he remember his momas request..

I collect stones...its true..over the years. My neighbour brought me back some black Italian marble when he was working on the site of the new Scottish Parliment building, my children buy me semi precious stones and crystals for gifts, Im often drawn to particular stones in those new age shops and love the quartz and jasper thats so prevelant on the beach at Stonehaven. Patrick is under instruction to bring me back a beautiful stone from his travels...but WILL HE REMEMBER????

PLEASE STAY

2007-07-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

I was really pleased with this picture of Connor my eldest grandson and his aunty lu, It just seems like yesterday he was the baby of the family..When his mum brought him up to Scotland after his birth, we laid his baby basket outside the door, rung the doorbell and hid...Rita on opening the door, squeeled with excitement ITS A BABY!!ITS A BABY..and proceeded to pick him out of his basket, much to his mums dismay, fearing she might drop him in her excitement..One of those memories we all laugh about to this day.

I quickly took this shot before Laura headed back to London, reading honeys expression its almost as if she is saying PLEASE STAY.. Not quite sure what Cormacs expression says however

Surprises galore

2007-07-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

Phew!!! what a weekend its been, surprises galore of the best possible kinds.

First of all I must thank Gledwood for nominating me for a thinking blogger award, this came as a lovely surprise and much welcome given I had been at the doctors that day thinking I was perhaps suffering some kind of virus only to be told it could very well be the big M.. I constantly forget things these days, headaches, so tired and feeling old and unusually irritable, things that I would normally let whizz over my head now get stuck in the beehive hair do...Most days I feel incapable of reasonable thought so THANK YOU!!! Gledwood you made an old woman very happy today.

To further add to my sense of confusion I came downstairs Friday at 11.30pm to come face to face with my daughter Laura who normally resides in London, beaming like a Chesire cat. At first I thought she was a mirage, but no she was really there, a surprise visit..I was delighted.

Rita was also staying for the weekend, so when it came time for bed and girls were cleansing and cleaning as girls do, they as usual, found their way into my bedroom, then one by one into my bed where the normal chit chat of memories, future plans and desires were laid out amid the duvet and laughter. Connor my grandson was snoring happily in the middle of all this.

Sleep came with the dawn of a new day, I so love these moments...precious.

Its been a busy weekend and with work on Sunday into Monday Ive not had access to my computer. On my arrival home today I logged on to read and catch up, and reading my e.mails found one from a very very special friend who moved to Huston last year, Oh how I miss her..

Her mail said to prepare for her arrival on the 19th as she is coming over to visit. I am so happy it really made my day, and serendipity works her magic again as I had already booked some annual leave for most of the 10 days she will be over...Whooopee..

Finally paying visits round my blogfriends I find that Ruth has also nominated me for another award...its all toooo much lol Im a sczmoozer.....Thank you Ruth Im delighted..

Now!!!( serious voice ) I really need to learn how to link, get some HRT and prepare for some more chats long into the night :)

Back to basics

2007-07-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

I spent the best part of the day in the garden today. The grass had grown past the stage where I could in all honesty hold my head up high and look the neighbours in the eye and smile and say hello. Honey the dog would go for a riddle me ree and get lost for hours trying to find her way out.

However with 3 days annual leave and more importantly no rain, today was challenge the lawn mower and strimmer day. The strimmer gave up the ghost after five minutes, the grass was so wet it burnt the engine out and given that this particular strimmer belongs to my partner I thought it wise not to attempt using his mower.

Faced with the fact I have never fully replaced all my gardening tools since I left my marraige, I scoured the shed for something that would cut the grass down a little before mowing......no luck.........however in the kitchen I found my red kitchen scissors and for the next few hours proceeded to give the grass what felt like a haircut with these.....Dedication and commitment against the odds...I now have a lawn to die for, and looking at the neighbours with one eyebrow raised and head in the air.....But tommorrow I buy a new strimmer...definitely

On the travelling son front my boy tells me he has moved on to Jakera lodges at Playa Colorado, his days are spent canoing round the islands,one of the islanders very kindly lets him have use of his boat. He gets up in the mornings, takes off to swim with the dolpins, gets a skin slough from some fish that apparently feed on the dead skin cells of humans, knocks down a few coconuts for lunch and generally just enjoying the relaxation...I spoke with him online the other night when he had travelled an hour by bus to get to a computer to say he was fine.

He actually got a call on his mobile from work connected with the terrorist activities of late, so part of me is glad he decided to travel and get away for a well earned break, Im sure he needs it

Later in the day I got a call from my daughter in London to say there had been a bomb alert in her place of work and they all had to be evacuated, scary stuff, but she ended the conversation by saying she had been to a party at Kensington Palace, something associated with film and had been served free scallops and champangne, in her own words she got rather drunk and behaved as any commoner would on such occassions..its good to know she still has her sense of humour in tact despite the atmosphere of fear thats around at the moment

Tommorrow Im going to visit my Grandson who I believe has now found his feet and taken his first steps to independence and exploration. He has big fat turkey thighs, I cant wait to see those in action and of course get a big cuddle and kiss

In the meantime if anyone wants to hire a gardener, my scissors are still sharp and at £20 an hour its a snip

LAZING ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON

2007-06-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

Aberdeen is smiling today, the sun shines and she is bright, green and sparkling again

In fact the weather was so good we decided to drive out to Balmedie beach which is about 10 minutes along the coast.

Miles and miles of golden sands and lovely dunes for shelter and all wheelchair friendly right up to the sea front itself as you can see from the second to last picture, the wooden walk way winding right down to a picnic table.

After a good walk we found a dune to shelter in close to the sea front, lay down, close your eyes, you could be anywhere. Only blue skies overhead, birds float freely past, Hear the music of the flow and ebb of the waves, the green grass dancing in the breeze. Rest, sleep and on waking help yourself to a rich, red, ripe and sweet strawberry.

Donald Trump has plans for this area. He has applied to the city council to build a world class golf club near these sands. With the addition of course of luxury hotel and luxury homes. He is facing a great deal of opposition, given the natural beauty of this place and the forseen problems with access and increased traffic. To balance it would bring many jobs and be a viable tourist attraction, but something inside me feels there are not many spaces left like these where on can simply escape and enjoy mother nature at its best.

WALK AROUND THE BLOCK

2007-06-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

Another wet and rainy evening in Aberdeen a couple of nights ago so I thought I would take you on a walk around the block (Alans not mine). Just round the corner is the central library, adjoining this St Marks church and finally the newly reopened and refurbished His Majesteys Theatre, celebrating its 100th year in a couple of weeks time.

Rick Mayall appeared here in The New Statesman last week and was seen out back puffing on a cigarrette, chatting on his mobile before a performance, many were disappointed the first two nights as he was unable to appear due to illness.

This was taken from Union Terrace gardens a lovely park in the heart of the city, shown here the Bon Accord coat of arms for the city, above are the buildings mentioned before

This is The Cowdray Hall, they hold afternoon concerts in this building, live classical music during ones lunch break and often the venue for conferences and meetings. This building joins Robert Gordons University and Public School..Heading home back past the theatre, church and library one can see this turret?spire? belonging to Rosemount Parish Church. I love this building as looking up from Alans street this is smack bang in the line of vision, it always reminds me of India for some reason looked at from that perspective.

As you can see without sunshine the granite buildings in Aberdeen loose their sparkle and look quite dismal and dull

To brighten things up the last two were taken a couple of days after on Stonehaven beach ( my patch) A little sunshine, Im definitely not made for city dwelling

HUG

2007-06-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

Some months ago when I was blogging on another site I wrote about a conference I had attended the events focus being recovery which is placed high on the Scottish Parliments agenda in the area of mental health.

All of the speakers that day had their own individual story to tell and all were inspiring and moving, but one man in particular brought a hushed, stilled silence as he spoke his thoughts and experience bringing tears to many eyes including mine.

This is going to be a long post, but I cant not post it, having come across his speech published in a newsletter that is handed round service providers. It brings back memories of that day, this man I will not forget. His name is Graham Morgan who is manager of the Higlands and Islands User Group, a support network for users of mental health services across the highlands

He began

' People talk and talk about this idea ' recovery'- it's hard to find a service or a proffessional who doesnt say that they will incorporate the recovery model into the way they treat us and act with us and so on.

And yet for me the idea and the word recovery are slightly alien and I have little or no background in what it really means to those who have immersed themselves in ideas and concepts that float around so freely nowadays.

It was a few months ago that I thought that I might hav something relevant to say. I was talking at a conference and a consultant came up to me after my speech and said that she had heard me speak twice now and that from listening to me and watching me she was sure that my diagnosis of schizophrenia was wrong.

Initially I was very offended - it just seemed inappropriate to say such things. Also, I have grown so used to this diagnosis that to throw it away in a casual conversation seemed quite demeaning - but it made me think, I have hung onto the idea of illness for so long , it is a huge part of the way that I define myself and view myself- is it possible to get caught in a world that, though comfortable, traps you and smothers your growth.

My wish to speak out was confirmed a few weeks later when I recieved a call from the Royal College of Psychiatrists asking me to speak at their summer meeting. And what were they wanting me to talk about? My road to recovery and what it is like to have regained my health.

My mind turned a few cartwheels of surprise- " bing bang bong" I went and "wait a minute" since when did I recover and why didnt anyone tell me? A sort of " just excuse me for a second, but, dont I have a say in when I can be regarded as recovered as well and whole and satisfied with the journey my life takes me on".

I really was a shocked person for a time but then a little balm of soft joy slipped into my brain, all the wheels turned cautiously, frightened of unpleasant truths or skipped uncertainties about to ambush my security

This small inkling of a new world muttered about " what if I really am well?" , "what if I have recovered" What if, unknown to me , my journey has become rosy? - and I agreed to talk in the summer about that journey. So I better do my very best to achieve the joy of a world that is not mind numbingly caught up inthe world of sadness and illness and the maintenance of helplessness. The request I had found so offensive became a token to light my way and provide new invigorating ways in which to see the world, to take that giant leap in self definition and see myself as whole rather than damaged and shattered.

Since then I have enthusiastically adopted the idea that I am now well. I bubble around the office telling everyone that I never was a schizophrenic, which alarms everyone as our awareness raiser relies on my story for our awareness training and then I talk about stopping my medication, stopping seeing my psychiatrist and CPN and living free of the cloying world of lost hopes.

But that is wrong isnt it? To be well and recovered or to lead a fulfilling life doesnt have to mean that you reject your past or the world with which you are familiar or even mean tht you have to be anywhere near well.

Let me set the scene of my life for you ...Im 44 years old now and its 23 years since I was first admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I had spent some years piling on the adolescent angst until it became too much to bear, life leached itself of its colours that make it vibrant and my core became a place of aching sadness, tense anxiety and numb fear of those around me, the life I lived and the things I believed in, which was nothing. The only bright thing was the sting of a razor blade which helped me relax and sleep but also made me sick inside with disgust at myself - I remember the cold white fear when I finally took an overdose and failed miserable at the idea of dying.

Those years were a time of huge emptiness, a lost and lonely time, where I rejected those around me and found the idea of communication and emotion too much to handle, but then, it was finally my friends that took me out of it and of course, activity and time and finally love and meaning and purpose - these changed my world and opened up a new dimension where the world became a place I loved being part of , where, instead of being frightened of everyone I began to look forward to the meetings with strangers that can enliven life, where instead of staring at the pavement, I wanted to meet the eyes of those that I walked past.

I had a few wonderful years until with a huge bang everything around collapsed around me and my reality became so confused that it didnt even make sense to me. Those years became the years of Haliperidol and Largactil and later on the injections of Depixol, which still makes me indignant.

I now live with symptoms that bubble enough to sometimes worry but never spill over into downright alienation.

I am fortunate that I have had experiences that give me a glimpse of the abysmal hell that illness can be but, usually, I have been on the edge looking in, lucky enough to keep myself sound and whole for most of the time.

However the years have shaped me. I see myself as ill and damaged. I define myself as different- I dont trust ordinary people, instead I light up when I meet those that have been through similar experiences. I feel a bond with the world of mental illness which provides me with identity, security, friendship, acknowledgement, communion and respect. It makes my life at times wonderful- and this is where I worry about the world of recovery. I dont want to leave my world behind, my identity of illness and difference has been informed by my experiences over the past two decades. These years have reinforced the message that this is the safest place to be. Its where I find my friends, its where I earn my income, its where I meet people who understand me - I really dont want to leave it, I fear a world without illness. And yet a big part of me says take that risk, step out into the real world, engage with those normal people that you are so frightened and sceptical of, cut through the strings of restriction that you have wound so tightly about yourself, that you cant breath the bright fresh air where new worlds beckon. And then I turn back and feel confused and something Simon said brings comfort to me, because, I heard him saying that recovery is a personal journey with a personal definition. That lifts my heart because I dont in the name of a rosy future, want to reject my past or the experiences and people that are dear to me.

So for me recovery will not mean discarding the past or my experience or my friends, but, will mean that I embrace new identities. I suppose that in these last few minutes I have defined myself along the tram lines of impairment.

There is an alternitive way of looking at the last 23 years of my life. I have had the huge fortune to live a life of great richness. I have sailed across the Mediterranean twice and across the Atlantic twice, where I have seen beautiful dolphins and whales, where the phosphorescence in a gale has made the sails glow. I have sailed over seas in the Philippines where the coral beneath our boat seemed close enough to touch. I have sat mending our tent in the Sahara after a sandstorm blew it in two, next ot some lonely soldiers patrolling a deserted coast with just two camels for company. I have climbed to the top of mountains in Borneo with my son where our breath has become tight in our chest, but, across the bare rock we have seen the rising sun ant the clouds far below.

I have had the privelege of having friends that have let drunken conversations flow erratically through the night, the joy of falling in love and knowing that another person cannot wait to see me again. There is angst and agony of bringing up and growing up with my son.

I could go on for ages and ages about all those parts of my life that have nothing to do with despair and sadness, and so, I suppose, that for me my route to recovery involves opening up my world to all those experiences that have nothing to do with schizophrenia but which have shaped me just as surely as the labels our world is so keen to adopt.

When I get to my conference in the summer I hope that my message of recovery is about Graham who loves to be silly, who cant wait for the chance to talk nonsense, who loves to cook to drink and to walk by rivers and to write and to work and bask in the joy he gets from those that he loves and who love and respect him in turn. That is me too, an awkward smoker who doesnt smoke at the moment, a little puppy who basks in a hug or a compliment and a person who just wants life to be nice and friendly and for whom razor blades represent a bright escape which will hopefully never need to happen again.

I dont know where this journey will take me. I dont know whether I will become ill again, whether the world will be rosy or sad and in many ways I dont want to try and decide on the shape of my journey, but I do thank that consultant who told me that I wasnt a schizophrenic . She did me a great favour - I am going to keep that label as long as it fits my internal vision but, I do feel I have been given a liberating responsibility to look at a world that is wider than illness and disability; that embraces a fuller view of the world, and gives new perspectives to a life that is sometimes wonderful. Yet my journey has grown out of pain and that journey has only been successful because of my connection with those who have suffered even more than me. That is my past and my bedrock, and will continue to be a part of my reality and is something I will never reject, just because some people choose to see me as well rather than ill.

Graham Morgan speaking at the Scottish Recovery Conference...February 2007 Dundee, Scotland

BLOGLAND ROCKERS

2007-06-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

What a delightful surprise.I have been prsented an award by Ruth and it means so much to me that it comes from a woman I have so much admiration for, her courage, devotion, tenacity and warm sense of humour has touched so many hearts and her blog is a testament the love and devotion shared with her beloved Mick, a man we too came to love and respect through her eyes and words..Thankyou Ruth.

I now have to award five others, one was to be Ruths daughter but I was too late, and this begs the question Can a woman have enough awards?? Plus Im a non starter still when it comes to linking but here goes.

1.PLUMPIEMOUSIE... even if you dont take part in awards and memes PLEASE ACCEPT. This is a land of magic and full of such original creativity..For me this Mousies blog is all about the heart of a woman, the creativity,her books, her many wonderful characters..a must visit..such a gentle, peaceful place to spend a few hours in.

2.aintneverscared...Ive just recently been visiting this blog, but already I sense a real strength and determination to move forward an overcome the obstacles and difficulties this lady faces in her everyday life. Writing with a real and almost self challenging honesty.

3.ANALIA.... Winds of change. I love the way Annalia expresses herself through her writing, at times poetry, metaphor and great humour.

4Lulu.....(Dans cat) does she count??..I hope so because she rocks too. She has a good insight into her masters mind I feel and knows whats needed and when its needed, for instance a BIRTHDAY PRESENT for her owner today.

All links can be found on my side bar..CONGRATULATIONS and even if you dont want to participate please accept the awards..Rules is made for breaking after all...Auds a rebel at heart as well as a rocker..whoo hoo!!!

BANKS,VULTURES AND HYENAS..SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

2007-06-23T05:28:00.000-07:00

I must admit I found myself rumminating last night over the situation with the bank..Thinking back to my circumstances all those years ago and the decisions I made then.

Would I make the same decision today I asked myself, the conclusion was a resounding YES!!!

At the time my focus was on feeding my kids and finding a proper and decent home for them, as due to their fathers actions they found themselves with me in what can only be described as a chicken shack...good enough for me on my own, but totally inadequate for my kids and heartbreaking given the home they had left behind which was less than two minutes away from the dump they were now living in.

I'd never been in debt before so it was a horrendous feeling and knowing there was absolutely no way I could pay anything back to the bank, I chose to ignore them until my situation had changed for the better and what I saw as my priorities were met, not a good idea perhaps and not something I would recommend, but given their ruthlessness now,I cant help but wonder just how symapathic they would have been in reality..KIDS FIRST,FACELESS INSTITUTIONS can wait as I knew they would survive unscathed

I knew then that my decision would have repercussions in the future and was willing to accept this and have, but today I can say those repercussions are not the end of the world.

All past now but boy!!! am I angry with their refusal to leave the account operational for another week. Their profuse apology and acceptance that its their fault I was given the account in the first place is meaningless, they have their money,paid back in full some time ago,I pose no risk to them by having this months salary paid in and transferred, so RBS take protective counter shields down and find your heart.

Now this all over and looking to the future, the post title will perhaps make some sense.

I hope Im not breaking any bloggette ettiquette here but I am making an executive decision here to link to a post that cheered me up no end this morning,had me in stiches and truly inspired me.....Forgive me Dan but this is so must read, gauranteed to brighten your day..

http://dabalogh.blogspot.com/2007/02/germans-and-hyenas.html

Dont worry be happy,even in the face of vultures and hyenas :)(if possible)

***Text message from Patrick in Caracas***

'Alrite mam everythin is fine,place is awesome but a hard city. i already got a girls number in a resturant!'

LOL...Priorities of the young at heart, glad he has a friend already

Who do you think your speaking to?

2007-06-22T10:55:00.001-07:00

The day actually started off quite well, the sun was shining brightly and I thought to myself after yesterdays farce that worse things can happen.

I rang the recovery department of the bank this morning, going through the process of giving details, reference numbers etc. The young man on the other end of the phone is obviously having problems tracing my account, so I tell him my account has been closed and the young lady I spoke to yesterday had the same problem, I explain that I am ringing to speak with Ms X and nothing more, could he just put me through.

Does she work here he asks me after a period of time (warning bells ring) so I tell myself not to be cynical and explain that the girl I had spoken with yesterday certainly recognised the name I had given but told me to ring back tommorrow as she wasnt not in work today, "so yes I presume she does work there".

The young man then tells me he will put me through after another brief pause.

Ms X comes on the phone, she recognises my name and knows about my situation, Ms X then goes on to apologise most sincerely for what has happened, when I express my concerns about my wages and my standing orders etc Ms X then goes on to catergorically, leaving no doubt that my account has not been closed, that whilst I will not get a new card and be able to hold an account with RBS in the future, at the moment my account is still operational no need for concern any standing orders will be honoured until I withdraw my money and close the account myself, which is in my best interest to do..She apologises again saying as I said that these past 4 years I could have been banking with another bank and building up a record.

Ring Alice at local branch later having left a message with the good news so she can check this out and verify for herself, only to be told I had not spoken to Ms X, Ms X herself confirmed this, whoever I spoke to this morning was not Ms X..

Alice by now is just as perlexed as I am, I am very patient and tolerant but this went way beyond even my tolerance level..Alice assured me she has also been messed around and that whoever took my call this morning and the young man who put me through despite making it very clear that I was calling to speak to Ms x and only Ms x are both for the high jump from their manager and that there is obviously something very wrong with the training department down there, it will be looked into Im assured..

Well state the obvious Alice and whoopee you really made my day NOT!!!!!

I have today opened another account at another bank and when I explained my situation it is beyond them too, in the gentlemans words Thats beyond harsh.

When all is said and done it will sort out and in the light of what some families are going through just now ITS MINISCULE in comparison....so still smiling and taking the day to myself tommorrow..BLISS!!!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

2007-06-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

I had fully intended to get out and go for a lovely long walk in the hills today, I have 3 days off, time to chill out, relax and unwind...Who said that? Scrape me off the ceiling somebody please!!!

I'd been a full time mother whilst married, financially dependant on my then husband, leaving the marraige meant I had to become the woman who had to learn to stand on her own two feet again and I did and was happy to do so..but, theres always the but isnt there,

This success was not looked favourabally upon my the man I left behind and thus eventually found myself back at the starting block. Just prior to this I had taken on financial commitments which at the time and given my circumstances I was confident of meeting, not to be and I found myself in debt, out of work and struggling.

Much of what I write is past as I eventually did get back on my feet, pulled through and have for the past 4 years been in full time employment, happily paying my salary into the bank I have been a customer of for well over 20 years, paying my bills including regular repayments to the bank itself for the debt that was outstanding due to the unexpected change in my situation all those years ago

I popped into my branch last week, hoping to turn my instant saver account, which they themselves set up and approved 4 years ago, into a current account once more, not too phased if they declined..

That same day my cashline card was swallowed by that little man who sits behind the hole in the wall, faulty machine thought I and ring my bank, speak with the BANK MANAGER, who is very apologetic and cant understand why this should be, giving me reassurances that it has nothing to do with my query at the bank that morning. I had already spoken with the banks head office who had informed me that any new account I opened would be purely at the discretion of the local branch manager and I would be treated as a new customer. The bank manager at this point assures me that he will get a new cashline card out to me A.S.A.P.

Today I went in to said bank thinking it would just be a formality opening this new account given all the advice and information I had been given. Sit down with Alice( very nice lady) who then very apologetically tells me that my savings account has been closed, that I will not get a new card in fact the b****y bank has instituted divorce proceedings and the decree nisi is through and final.

Have you ever experienced that open jawed, vacant moment, when your brain is trying to process the information its just been given, well that was me!!!

I was told the savings account should never have been opened in the first place this information given by the very department that was recieving payments from this account for over 3 years, who are now saying they were not aware that the account existed..GET REAL!!

Ive taken their decision gracefully, but the verbal apology I recieved from Alice today, passed on from the lady who made the decision to close the account immediately, I want in writing with a full explanation as to why they have chosen to close it..Alice was very sympathic and cannot understand this decision herself.

I had a debt YES! but a two thousand pound debt that has been repaid in full as have all my creditors, I could have chosen to go bankrupt all those years ago, but didnt and Im proud of myself and what I have achieved these last 8 years...and now the focus is on moving on...

Alices face did however pale a little when I asked for my full statements covering these last six years of interest Ive paid, given the current climate surrounding banks and their overcharging customers regarding interest rates I have nothing to lose by looking into this....initially she tried put me off, but this is my right and Im claiming it.

Now off the ceiling lying on the floor...confused

A bit of yoga wont go amiss today plus as I very calmly told Alice I dont want to be with a bank that is so inept in training its staff, that its bank manager never mind its customer services dont appear to be able to give the right advice and where their recovery departments communication systems are so inept that its taken four years to close an account they were taking money from that should never have been opened in the first place according to them as they didnt know it existed.....work that one out.....She apologied, I said "no need its not your fault" and we parted.

THE END

NEWSFLASH* Laura has made it through the second round and interview, she is now waiting to see if she gets the final call....OMG!!!!

JOURNEYS : Its what we bring with us that matters

2007-06-21T02:47:00.000-07:00

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow if I can,

Pursuing it with weary feet,

Until it joins some larger way,

Where many paths and errands meet.

And wither then? I cannot say.

Cairn o'mount, a place where I love to walk, the boots lined up wait patiently by the door for the touch of my hand and gently call, 'let's go', 'lets go'..

From here to ??

2007-06-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

Coming soon to a screen near you (PERHAPS)

My original blog I set up at blog.com this will soon join the many, many seemingly abandoned blogs on that site, and here I am.

I first started blogging as a way of staying focussed on a special dream I have of travelling to Africa, initially South Africa on a horse safari near the foot of the Drakensburgh mountains. I hope to have the finances to enable me to live this dream next year, in the meantime, Im keeping it alive through this blog, as it can be so easy to loose sight of dreams through circumstances and situations that crop up and take over..yet time and time again I have found myself writing as a mother, writing about my childrens travel.

This has been educational, inspiring and unexpected for me too, I delight in the knowledge that they have created and seized the opportunities open to them to travel and I have had the opportunity to share to an extent their experiences through their stories.

Patrick my youngest son will land in Venuezuala tonight to begin his 7 weeks of travel, he seems so young at 20, yet having served two tours of duty in Iraq I have to do a reality check on my natural mothering instincts and acknowledge HIS life experience at such a young age, and delight that he is living life his way.

We sat for a couple of days before he went, chatting, as he made his map and route, scouring the internet for the places and sites he definitely wants to see during his stay and finding out the information about where to go and where not to go, what to watch out for and be careful about.

He travelled to London on Monday to stay with his sister Laura before jetting off. Laura has been fortunate enough to travel through her work with a film production company and has just recently returned from the Cannes film festival.

She called to say that Patrick had arrived safely, then all excited tells me that she had applied for one of those reality television shows, Shipwrecked.
Not expecting to hear anything from them, she then goes on to say that she has made it through to the second round and has been called for an interview for the next stage...Where does it all end.....Where did it all begin??

Ive not seen this show and I have to say that Im not a fan this genre of show, its all too much Desmond Morris'y and watching the chimps at the zoo for my liking, but that just me, I know they make for popular viewing for some reason.

The thought of seeing my own daughter appear in one is too much for me to comprehend at the moment. Part of me wants her to succeed if thats what she wants, but another part of me is saying...OH GOD NO!!! but I dont honestly know why...

Im laughing at myself in the meantime and looking forward to the days when I AM sleeping under the stars or galloping across the plains in Africa...No cameras please...Im a celebrity..get me outta here.

Angel Falls Venezuela

2007-06-15T15:22:00.001-07:00

Today I had reason to turn the tables on myself. I tried to imagine how my children will feel when I take off on my travel to Africa. Ive always been there, just a call away, they have always known how to reach me, where to reach me, and if I felt it necessary and urgent I would drop things to be there and present for them. Thats how its meant to be, sometimes not easy but at the end of the day, that simple.

Patrick leaves on Wednesday, I feel a mixture of pride, pleasure and shared excitement for him. He, as he said he would, is travelling opting for Venuezela, Caracas and backpacking down to Brazil.

S**t , that was the first thought that entered my head,I asked if he didnt fancy a month just relaxing on a beach in Spain, but having already explored a few options with him, I knew this was of no interest to him. His choices were limited due to not being able to acquire necessary Visa's for his first choices at the last minute. So hes off, not really prepared I feel, or am I just a mother...lol

I perhaps shouldnt have shown him my travel brochures from i to i who arrange overseas placements nor told him about STA travel who arrange student travel, but I did and now Im nagging or at least thats how it feels..Have you got this, have you got that, promise you will keep contact every couple of days etc etc etc.

I think my main issue or concern is that he is travelling alone, but Im sure he will be fine..

There now Ive got that off my chest I can shut up, it has however made me realise the importance of little things, informed risk taking, the importance of preparation and keeping contact with those sitting at home wondering if you are ok, I may just slip a few little reminders in his Calvin Kleins ***RING YOUR MOTHER*** CALL HOME OR ELSE!!! any suggestions welcome..
Patrick wants to see Angel falls which is apparently the highest waterfall in the world, and having found it on Youtube I can fully understand why, its absolutely astounding, now I wish I were going with him

Thought for today

2007-06-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was all over,

I have, he said, no more to say

He spread his splendid wings and ascended ...

Dona Nobis Pacem

2007-06-06T05:09:00.000-07:00

http://mimiwrites.blogspot.com/2007/03/how-to-get-your-peace-globe-2007.html

Today I join countless others in the blogoshpere who are blogging for peace...

Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek but a means by which we arrive at that goal. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I WALKED INTO A DOOR STORY

2007-06-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

OH DEAR
Well its been almost, but not quite a week since Pats arrival home, safe and sound, I could relax...PHEW!!! thought I.

Having said that he has just this evening arrived back from a cousins wedding in Ireland...

Well, to be factual it was a wedding reception without the wedding as the bride called off 3 days prior to the actual day of the union..I have to add I admire her for making a very brave decision, but also acknowledge it will have caused a great deal of heartache and problems for both families.

Anyway the reception went ahead for the grooms family which is enormous, Pats father is one of 15 children and all their accompanying children can make for quite a gathering. A good time was had by all despite the cancellation, and Patrick enjoyed his weekend away.

Today it was he who was making his way down the stairs, me the one coming through the door having just finished work. 'Was that a limp' thought I....or has the dog done a doo doo on the carpet, not that she does, but one never knows....

Sure enough it was a limp.

He told me he had hurt his leg fooling around, the I banged into a door story ( good as any ) then procedes to show me his leg, ( its the first time Ive seen his legs in years I think). To my shock and horror his left knee is swollen to the size of a football and he can neither straighten nor bend it.

So tommorrow I take the wounded soldier up to casualty..

Thats life...........LOL

Walk Like An Egyptian
By The Bangles
Best Video Codes

CELEBRATION

2007-06-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

THIS POST IS FOR ANY WOMAN WHO MAY BE STRUGGLING TODAY..( I would love to see one written by a man for men..so come on you guys )

(A little food for the spirit and a gentle pat on the back, just because you are woman...a little celebration)

Thanks to George Harrison for giving us this great song..

Something
By George Harrison
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QUOTES FROM WOMEN DOWN THE YEARS

"Women have a way of treating people more softly. We treat souls with kid gloves"....Shirley Caesar.

" I say if its going to be done, let's do it. Let's not put it in the hands of fate. Let's not put it in the hands of someone who doesn't know me. I know me best. Then take a breath and go ahead..........Anita Baker

Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch- what make you go beyond the norm... Cicely Tyson

The cock croweth but the hen delivereth the goods...anonymous

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat"......Rebecca West. (1892 - 1983)

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ' failure ' is not the falling down, but the staying down.....Mary Pickford

If I had to live my life over again, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time......Nadine Star

It occured to me when I was thirteen and wearing white gloves and Mary Janes and going to dancing school, that no one should have to dance backward all their lives........Jill Ruckelshaus.

Once you live with the issue of women and the landscape for a while, you find that you cannot separate them form the notions of peace, spirituality and community. As women we must learn to become leaders in society, not just for our own sake, but for the sake of all people. We must support and protect our kinship with the environment for the generations to come....China Galland

" Ive got the woman's ability to stick to a job and get on with it when everyone else walks off and leaves it"......Margaret Thatcher.

The genius of women I believe to be electrical in movement, intuitive in function , spiritual in tendency......Margaret Fuller....(1810- 1850)

"Women are repeatedly accused of taking things personally. I cannot see any other honest way of taking them"....MARYA MANNES b 1904

They talk about a woman's sphere as though it had a limit;

There's not a place in earth or heaven,

There's not a task to mankind given,

There's not a blessing or a woe,

There's not a whispered 'yes' or 'no',

There's not a life ,or death, or birth,

That has a feather's weight of worth

Without a woman in it.

Above all , remember the most important thing you can take anywhere is not the Gucci handbag or the French cut jeans; its an open mind.......................Gail Ruben Bereny

WELCOME HOME

2007-06-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

I hadnt realised how easy it is to see war through eyes that see only weapons and destruction, my eyes these past 3 months if I am honest. Today my minds eye was stretched beyond this to the everyday lives of the people, men,women and children, not unlike myself.

Ordinary people sending their children to school, cooking, doing their best to live life as normally as possible when their country has been invaded, as I cannot remember the Iraqi people asking for American nor British assistance or intervention

Joe being the chef in the family cooked tonight, Roast lamb, dressed with garlic and rosemary, new and roast potatoes, broccoli and the most delicious gravy I have ever tasted, beating his mothers by a mile. I was asking Patrick what types of meat he had eaten during his tour and he mentioned trying goat, then went on to speak about the meals he often shared with the people of Iraq.

He told me that when he was on border patrol, during stopovers in the villages, the troops would be invited to share a meal, offered by the families. All sat round on the floor eating chicken, rice etc from a big bowl placed in the centre. Hospitality that I find so moving.

I have visions of a woman, with a heart not so different to my own, preparing the food that my son enjoyed, an act of friendship, communion that overcomes all language barriers, I also feel very humbled and so grateful.

He spoke again of playing football with the children of the villages and I smiled, warmed by the image. He spoke of the waiter who served him on camp, A pharmacutical gratuate from India, working as a waiter in the british camp, serving the troops so politely, why? So he can afford to put his two sons through university, it certainly put my struggle to support my children through university into perspective.

The young Iraqi marine in his training group, who had moved his wife and family from Baghdad to Basra, where she now taught. It all seems so normal and everyday, yet my heart knows their normal and everyday is a million miles apart from mine as I sit and write this.

It is a sobering thought, after all the only danger I will face as I go to work tommorrow is the hot head in a BMW who is too impatient to be a considerate driver, such is his urgency to get to work that nano second sooner, I think I will just smile as he eventually sails past......( no sexism, carism intended )

These unknown, unmet people so far away are in my heart and thoughts tonight, cradled with gratitude and a wish for peace. The spirit of their hospitality sat at my table as I listened to my son speak of them in a different time, different place over another meal.
Labels: Iraq, mother, peace, troops