Aintneverscared asked me a question in her last comment on my last post, answering this question allows me to lay down here in black and white questions that I have been struggling with over these past eight years
There is negotiation, comprimise all in the name of moving forward...progress. I guess Ive seen my divorce in this sense and to a certain extent it contains a truth. So many times Ive struggled, asked myself why I just dont turn and walk away because if Im honest with myself this final step has little to do with money, although that at the end of the day is all the court will be concerned with..the who paid what, when and who didnt. I know I would manage at the end of the day without the settlement, It would mean more struggle to walk away..surrender, and I know Im made of the stuff it would take to get through all that.
For me its about fighting for the things I at a very personal level value, yet I argue with myself that I already own them, those values are mine, inside me,part of me, they cannot be bought, traded, borrowed or taken from me.
Being a full time mum throughout my marraige meant I was never going to be the breadwinner of the family, the provider..but who can put a price on a mother taking her children for night drives to the beach to show her children the magnificence of a full blood red moon shine in the sky and experience her childrens reaction and awe at the sight.
What price can one put on the mother who sat with her children and shared the setting of the late summer sun,who loved to hear the squeals of delight when her chidren were allowed to splash in the waves with their shoes still on at a time when she knew that they were hurt and confused and that was what they needed to do...shoes dry, hearts heal.
What price for the time, the sharing, the support emotionally when it was needed, for reminding them that thoughts are just thoughts, words said in anger and confusion are not written in blood, that things change, that children grow into themselves, that they are their own people, if someone tries to make them wear a coat that doesnt fit, they should cast it off and not contort themselves to try and make it fit....so much that money just cant buy and no court could ever put a price on. I dont need them to its priceless!!!!
I cant even say Im fighting for the priniple of the matter, when I know I could just as easily walk away..I dont even know if this is a fight more a stand, perhaps more a case of being able to look myself in the mirror and rejoice at what I find there and I refuse to walk away, turn and walk away as if it is of no importance...
I have nothing to prove to my children and likewise they owe me nothing, they have already gifted me so much. Perhaps my day in court is a celebration of that, a chance to say," I accept that today this is what the concern is, but dont ever think that being a breadwinner is all their is to family life, dont expect me to walk away and keep silence my heart for ever about the things that truly matter.
I will not enable my husband to think his way was the only way, that victory comes in pounds, shillings and pence and that his perception of power and how to exercise it was ever right, fruitful.
I want the honour of walking away with a big smile on my face and peace in my heart no matter what the division. To face him that day and remember what truly matters, to know where my treasure truly lies, to step out to a bright future walking toward those who care about me as I do them and leave the S..T where it belongs.
To know my values and qualities are the one thing his money just cant buy, no matter how much he profits. To sit in that room and let my inner beauty shine despite all his attempts to destroy it...to show him just how utterly powerless he was in reality.
To be grateful to Mother nature and all she has revealed and taught me down the years.
This may make no sense at all but it makes sense to me and thats all that matters too..lol