Saturday, 9 February 2008
The importance of goodbye
Ive been away a long time it feels, but now I feel as if Im coming home again.
A post on a dear friends site prompted me to write about this, I had not intended to but perhaps our stories are more important than we know.
My partner of seven years and I parted company shortly after my return from New York, but before I went and during my stay there I was already plagued with doubts as to his ability to commit to me or anyone else for that matter fully.
He was a warm, fun loving gentle man,a soft and loving aura about him, full of charisma and charm, qualities that used to both delight yet annoy me when he would abuse his gift with other women, harmless enough but at times disrespectful and something I would address with him. He was caring, with the benefit of hindsight I can see he cared a lot FOR me, but there were times he forgot to care about me and how his behaviour could hurt, very sutble but nothing like my ex who was all out aggressive. I could at the end of the day laugh with Alan about it and forget about it, but thats about who I am
I was aware of his tendency toward jealousy, his need to be the centre of attention, his need to have me around. He said all the right things using words like Us and we, times when I felt it was better to let go he would say "so are you just going to throw it all away.
Coming from a childhood that was troubling and confusing due to my fathers sexual abuse. I entered a marraige that was quite frankly frightening in my husbands need to control, and of course this was all behind closed doors. Next time round it was different with Alan showing me love and intamacy behind closed doors yet pushing me away in public, as I say it was all very subtle.
When I came back from New York my heart didnt need telling that he had been unfaithful, so I left..... a few weeks later it was confirmed by himself when I found out he had taken his new love abroad, something that wasnt meant to happen as he was still playing the" are you leaving me game". His justification " Well you didnt want me" I half expected a 'So what was I supposed to do' to follow on those words.
I have I suppose been holding my own post mortem on our relationship, he has gone into hiding, but non the less Ive let him know who I was in the relationship and that I loved him and all his quirky ways, but am hurt that he chose the cowards way out when so often I told him, if he wanted to end it, if it wasnt working for him then he would only have to say. No point in keeping each other prisoner for fear of hurting with goodbye, sadly he was not man enough to leave without a security blanket, a loving breast to suckle on so he can avoid the guilt and pain of what he has done to the good man in him
I have many happy memories, I have learned soooo much about who I am through Alan, simply because that gentle aura that allowed me to get close to and fully love a man, perhaps for the first time in my life and I have no regrets at all. I come away valuing my love, my ability to love under difficult circumstances, my loyalty, my sense of humour, my willingness to stay and give someone the benefit of the doubt because I love them but most my courage to leave when that doubt is removed beyond all doubt.
As I said to him I would rather carry this pain, in the knowledge that I will heal than carry that insidious guilt that knaws at the heart and soul that comes through the knowledge that youve hurt something good and innocent.
I have no doubt he will contact if this relationship falls apart, as he cant cope with being on his own. Hopefully he will also remember and appreciate that feeling of perhaps being real for the first time in his life with someone who refused to collude with his self deception. as I have the knowledge that this woman is in the position I gradually came to realise I was in when our relationship first began. Some men will always have their fix waiting and prepared before they leave a relationship, but you dont know until you know.
He was a tired man, but then keeping up delusions and self deception is tiring, I should know because part of me kept deluding myself in the hope that when he said " I thought you were the one, that he really meant it". Sadly as it turns out he wasnt the one for me..I too have choices
I also have many memories of good times and wont forget that I made them happen too because of the special person that I am. Perhaps we forget this in the midst of the pain and hurt and anger of letting go, but then we remember again.
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals.
Now where is Africa again.:)
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and that you really do have worth And you learn and you learn with every goodbye you learn... ©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall