Monday, 10 December 2007

One year on

Below is the first post I ever posted amost a year ago in Every now and Then,pre Forca days. Although in a sense Im still in the same place I was a year ago, much has happened and much has changed. Ive learned patience and not to react to the disappointment as 2007 draws to an end and Im still not legally a free woman. In a sense I feel like a woman waiting to give a decent burial to a marraige that ended well before I left, the ritual of marking and respectfully laying to rest something that I at one time put so much of myself into.

To be honest it saddens me to think of my soon to be ex opening his bill for his legal fees, because that perhaps will be the moment he realises that 8years of his life were also wasted hanging on and preventing closure just for that feeling of power and control. Its not what I would have chosen for either of us but equally not something I will be losing any sleep over.

So here I am still waiting to go to Africa,patiently enduring, yet so many things to be grateful for on the journey through 2007. Pat and I had our first serious adult conversation about his time in Iraq this weekend, both sharing our different experiences and I have to say it was tender to see Patrick moved by a mothers perspective. These are the moments in life that I know I will look back and remember as the years roll by regardless of what happens.

I remember the warmth of my blog friends who fed and nourished me whilst he was away and I was full of worry. Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote " Warmth is a mystery. It somehow heals and engenders us. It is the loosener of too tight things, it enhances flow, the mysterious urge to be, the maiden flight to fresh ideas. Whatever warmth is, it draws us closer, and closer yet. Friends who love you and have warmth for your creative life are the very best suns in the world.

Perhaps one year on the last paragraph answers the first question I wrote......I was drawn by the warmth, closer and closer yet..what more can one ask for on a cold December evening.

other than a little night music and a warm hearth. Forca to you all

How did I get here?
As I write Im wondering and trying to remember how I got here......The first blog I read that caught my attention and touched something deep inside that kept me coming back. That led to the others so varied that kept me coming back, then leaving a comment here and there.......would it matter...would they matter-my words. So many beautiful many wise much many gifting a glimpse of their personal lives, the art, the passion and at times the struggle, the simple sharing of words and images taking anothers time and effort..opening up a whole new perspective, new vision

Then the niggling feeling that somehow I was being greedy, sitting here being fed..nourished, my comfort zones being challenged, words that lingered........the feeling that this is taking me on a journey with no destination, the mystery, the exploration..........the big question.........What do I have to offer...If I reach inside myself...what can I bring?

Im a gypsy at heart...its in my blood..I love to wander/wonder and explore both pysical and mental........Every now and then my soul gets seized by this desire to take off........Driving home sometimes my automatic pilot turns the wheel to the left yet part of me has carried on travelling down that highway...I long to travel in reality........however being mother to seven children and raising them, seeing them through degrees, supporting them till they got set up and I could breathe that sigh Ahhh thats it!!! Now I can go, now I can make the preparations, the plans.. Now its my turn

There is so much I want to see, so many places I want to many experiences I simply must experience...The african safari on horse back, sleeping under the stars, to be close to the wild....The orphanage I must visit.....the children, the smiles the stories, the challenge...the giving the recieving

I Had wondered what my blog could possibilly be about, its content...its purpose....Perhaps this is simply for track a dream....accompany myself on that journey....keep me strong...committed...not to let every day life side track me as it can so easily do....

The journey begins, here... now...on this blog...first things first...must work out how to create and post and.....and...and ...wish me luck this is all so exciting!!!


Gledwood said...

Golden vistas!

Gledwood said...

Have a look at my Victoria Wood clip if you want to be entertained (!!)


Audrey said...

Thanks Gleds, to answer your question "How was your day"? on your blog, mine ended up filled with laughter..will have to visit that post again and again for a fix.xx Auds

Dan said...

Auds, you've dealt with some serious crap in 2007. But 2008 looks like it is shaping up to be quite exciting! Africa! Awesome! Great post Auds. Very contemplative.


Icarus said...

First up, I'm 2 days late. There seems to be a deluge of distractions right now, plus my turn to join the ailing pc-users' club.
Second, I honestly can't believe it is a year. A whole year. A flah of light, zooooom and it's a year. I'm so stunned. This is always the time for looking back down the year. Reading this, it is inevitable, because personally, there was an instant rush of memories - my own life, but also all of the experiences, emotions, reflections we have shared. And not just yours and mine, but our friends'.
Maybe I just saw that d├ębut paragraph of your "The journey begins, here..." a lot of times (after all, the old blog would always open on the very first page, lol), but it still doesn't seem possible. Yes, you were dubious about your worth to the punters. I never had any doubts and I'll speak for Ruth too here, not knowing if/when she will arrive (but hopefully real soon).
You are a cherished woman and a cherished human being, Auds.
Your heart and your mind both are something so well worth knowing. Having you close by, feeling all of your presence whenever you arrive is perhaps the greatest benefit I have known during all of the too few good times & too many hard times over this past year and more.
It seems like the perfect time and place to write these words to you.

I could never take any one whom I truly value, care and feel for for granted. Simply because tomorrow is always another day that we can't see or be too wise about. So I'm taking today's opportunity to just say, very simply, the biggest thank you I can. It is a thank you to you for being who you are - an admirable, sensitive, caring, doing, concerned, strong but vulnerable person who gives me strength and belief and reward.
And who has a real sense of humour and fun too. Your eyes, like your heart and mind, are ever-open. It is the only way.
I feel that you know what the true meaning of love is, in all its hues and nuances. And those beautiful kids to keep you centred. They know.
May you always keep facing that horizon, taking those small steps and great leaps towards it, focused on what you want to find when you get there.
A year on, I tell you, you're doing just fine. So fine!

With my humble gratidue and love,

With all my love

Icarus said...

PS - it wouldn't be me if I commented without a groovy new typo, would it?
"Gratidue" ....Don't you just love it? Glad I can't change it in fact.

PPS - I also forgot to tell the world that we also seem to have identical musical tastes!
"Birds in the air.........."

Gledwood said...

I hope you don't mind my quoting your motto piece:

"...It is the passion flowing ... It is that flower that you took the time to smell, It is the power that you know you got as well, It is the fear inside that you can overcome, This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum..."

on mine?

I will give your name/link of course. I really like that piece


Audrey said...

Dan thanks,despite the serious stuff in 2007 I have my fair share of happy memories to bring with me from this year into 2008. Dont sweat the small stuff they Auds x

Audrey said...

Stewart, two very small words, thank you, but when said in all genuuiness and authenticity,they are everything...I dont know what to say other than thank you...Thank you for your presence this past year, reading back through my blog, your comments are still fresh as is the laughter they brought at times..timeless qualities........Much love to you,Ana and margueritta.xxxxxxxxxxxx Auds

Audrey said...

P.Z Gratidue is a typo par it?? Oh

Audrey said...

Gleds, thanks for the link, the words come from Nelly Futardo's Forca..I really liked it too.. also loved the sentiments on the video, that if we all work together we can achieve great things and make a difference. Dont know if youve wathched it, its on my sidebar. Simple message but thought provoking Have a good weekend xxx Auds

Gledwood said...

Auds: here is wishing you a Very Happy Yule Tide!

And a Happier 2008!


Mousie/Paisible said...

the lovely bird is taking off...a diamond is in her soul...
much love to you little sister...I send you much strength, patience...
I too live whithout WWWW...found my place in my country...that's another adventure...I send kisses to all the family...

Gledwood said...

Hi Auds!
I hope you're having a cheery one!
I'm at Mother Hubbard's house. It's about 2.30 on Xmas Day afternoon. Everyone else is down the pub so I'm sneakin' on the computer while I have the chance. We haven't eaten yet and I'm quite sober (how odd!)
Festive cheery greetings...
... take care




Gledwood said...

Audrey Where Are You?
How Are You....
come back to us... please!!

Prairie Star said...

Hello Diamond and Happy New Year!

I set up a blog last year but have made it my new year's commitment to show up on a more regular basis. I've linked your blog on mine. I hope that's ok?

Lovin' twinkles,
Prairie Star

Gledwood said...

Hey Auds thanks for the recent message... hey c'mon no post for nearly a month what's up... please tell us how you are c'mon!
We all wanna know!

Take care Audrey


Anonymous said...

Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
I've been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

Thumbs up, and keep it going!